I started a long post but it just went super negative so I deleted it instead of posting. I am completely overwhelmed right now. The long and short of it is that the last year has brought into sharp relief just how unhappy I have been for a very long time, and how much of it is to do with how dependent I am, and now that I am back in my old situation it is becoming intolerable. Life, as I have learned, is far too short to spend it miserable.

I need a job. I need a job I can do from home because I still have the mental illness and physical disabilities that got me in this predicament in the first place. I need a job that will hire a 43 year old with no real work experience and an unerring habit of freezing like a deer in the headlights at the thought of filling out a job application or resume or anything remotely resembling 'selling' oneself. And it needs to pay enough to live on. Not well or anything. I have no objection to living poor if it's on my own dime. I just need to get out of here. I need to get out of here soon, and on my own steam, before it crushes me back into submission.

I am so fucked. Yes, this is the less negative post. I said to my therapist last year before all this started that I felt like I was fading away and disappearing entirely. As horrifying as the last 10 months have been, I have also been here. Present in the world. And now every day I can feel myself slipping away. It's terrifying. And worse, it's an insult to my best friend who grabbed on to every last second of life to the very end.
laurashapiro: a woman sits at a kitchen table reading a book, cup of tea in hand. Table has a sliced apple and teapot. A cat looks on. (Default)

From: [personal profile] laurashapiro


::hugs:: Adulting is scary and hard.

I can offer editorial support on your resume/cover letter/job applications if it would be helpful. But there are a lot of contract gigs where the typical job application process isn't relevant -- maybe that's something to look into?
laurashapiro: a woman sits at a kitchen table reading a book, cup of tea in hand. Table has a sliced apple and teapot. A cat looks on. (Default)

From: [personal profile] laurashapiro


Oh, I wasn't thinking of starting your own business or anything! God, I hate that kind of hustle myself. ::shudder:: I was thinking more of having a long-term contract with a single client. I hate to use TaskRabbit as an example, but that kind of thing. There are a lot of contract jobs like that now, that are for micro-tasks you can do at home. They aren't super-awesome in terms of contractor benefits and rights, but they could help you get on your feet.

Let me know if links would be helpful. I don't want to overwhelm you.
laurashapiro: a woman sits at a kitchen table reading a book, cup of tea in hand. Table has a sliced apple and teapot. A cat looks on. (Default)

From: [personal profile] laurashapiro


So glad to hear it! I send you love and support.
heresluck: (btvs: slayerettes)

From: [personal profile] heresluck


I am so sorry that you're feeling miserable and that you can feel yourself starting to slip away, as you put it. But -- not to be Pollyanna-ish about this -- clearly you *haven't* slipped away completely: the fact that the situation feels intolerable rather than comfortable or inevitable is actually a really good sign, right? I mean, yes, there are those obstacles you mention in the second paragraph; those are real and hard, and I'm not trying to minimize them. But it does seem like the last year has shown that you are capable of clawing your way over way more obstacles than you previously thought. Saying "I really need to get out of here" doesn't magically solve the problem, but it's a really important first step.

And like I said before -- if you need to get away for a week or two, just to be out of a house that's making you feel dependent, feel free to come take over my guest room for a while so you can research / contemplate your options in less toxic space. No pressure; just know that you're always welcome. ♥
heresluck: (Default)

From: [personal profile] heresluck


I am SO GLAD the voc rehab people got back to you; I know that having info and advice from people with experience in this area will help not just in terms of the info but in terms of enabling you to feel more in control and make decisions you feel more confident about, and that in itself can be such a huge thing. ♥
gwyn: (keith mars infinitemonkeys)

From: [personal profile] gwyn


I wish I was closer. I wish I knew something to say that was useful--because I too have these feelings, and even though I do have work, it's not enough, and even if it were, I have that slipping away feeling. I try to remember how hard Sandy hung on, and my sister, and always ask myself what sis_r would do, but it's not enough for me, not lately. I guess…just know that there are some of us out there who care, and understand, and share some of those feelings with you, and so we want to listen and reach out.
killabeez: (kitties snuggle)

From: [personal profile] killabeez


{{{{{fierce hugs!}}}}}}

We don't have full time work available, unfortunately, but we do need admin help on a piecework basis, for which we pay very well (compared to freelance sites) and are happy to work around your schedule. My sister in law was doing this for us until my nephew became a toddler, and thus too high-maintenance for her to be able to concentrate and work from home. It averages only like 4-12 hours a month, honestly, but it still might be worthwhile, and get you some experience to put on your resume?

The kind of stuff we need is like, populating Excel spreadsheets, building surveys (where you type in the questions, answers, etc. and then add the questions to a survey), and that sort of thing. Obviously for the former you'd need Excel, but for the latter you just need an internet connection and a web browser. It's detail-oriented but not difficult. Let me know if that sounds like it might be your thing? It's okay if not!
hafital: (Default)

From: [personal profile] hafital


That's what happens when you release things out to the universe. Keep doing it! Don't hold things in too much. *huugs you hard*
kass: Eleven and Amy hug. (hug)

From: [personal profile] kass


I don't have any wisdom to offer, but I send love.
littleheaven: (NPH Elmo Hug by nutcola)

From: [personal profile] littleheaven


Sending you lots of cuddles. There's loads of stuff you can do from home these days and I am sure you will find something because you are smart and awesome.
sorryforlaughing: A stuck Winnie the Pooh's friends pulling him from a hole. (A Little Help From My Friends)

From: [personal profile] sorryforlaughing


I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't have anything to offer but good wishes, but they're offered in full.
saraht: "...legwork" (Default)

From: [personal profile] saraht


And worse, it's an insult to my best friend who grabbed on to every last second of life to the very end.

I didn't know her very well at all, but I'm sure she would not want you thinking that way. Be patient with yourself. You're grieving.
shrift: high heels (Default)

From: [personal profile] shrift


*hugs*

I don't know if I have any concrete suggestions, but I have faith in you!

grammarwoman: (Default)

From: [personal profile] grammarwoman


Chiming in with more <3 and *HUGS* - you can do this, because you are MIGHTY.
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