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There is about to be extreme whining and self pity up in here, so feel free to exercise your scroll options.
So, it's Vividcon season. Which is normally about the time I start to feel all excited about vid meta in anticipation of all the amazing thinky conversations about vids and vidding that are about to occur. Not this year. This year, while I am looking forward so much I can't even tell you to the hugging and my seeing all my peoples, I am outright dreading the actual nuts and bolts vid process part of VVC.
The thing is, I think I've hit the limit of what I'm capable of in terms of making vids. It's not actually a horrible place I've ended up. I can put together a competent vid that doesn't suck, and that can even provoke the emotional response I was going for. And I worked damn hard to get there, so I should be proud of that. I guess.
But...but...but. What's gone is the sense of progress, like I'm getting somewhere new, like I can move forward. I was never particularly visually gifted, or in tune with music like so many of the super talented vidders I know. What I was is stubborn. Willing to bash my head against a timeline to get somewhere, willing to do math in order to make up for an absolute lack of natural rhythm. Along with a knack for pushing emotional buttons, that'll get you pretty far. But only so far. At a certain point you have to have the talent to see things in your head in order to even attempt them. And I don't. I don't see them.
So I can keep making vids, and they'll be okay, some of them even good. But they won't be anything more than what they are now. All that delicious talk about expanding and growing and digging into vids and what they are and what they can do, and the ideas bouncing all over the place, I don't actually belong in that conversation. I'm just going to keep being left further and further behind while I tread vid water. Which, is probably a big factor in why I have so many vid projects that I've started over the last year but failed to actually finish. I wish I could blame cancer for that, but it's been going on way longer.
And I am a petty, spiteful, jealous person, because watching other people flush with excitement over the possibilities of what they can do, where they are going, what they want to try next, learning...it sort of just puts me in the mood where I want to start punching people in the face. Which is completely irrational. But there it is.
So, it's Vividcon season. Which is normally about the time I start to feel all excited about vid meta in anticipation of all the amazing thinky conversations about vids and vidding that are about to occur. Not this year. This year, while I am looking forward so much I can't even tell you to the hugging and my seeing all my peoples, I am outright dreading the actual nuts and bolts vid process part of VVC.
The thing is, I think I've hit the limit of what I'm capable of in terms of making vids. It's not actually a horrible place I've ended up. I can put together a competent vid that doesn't suck, and that can even provoke the emotional response I was going for. And I worked damn hard to get there, so I should be proud of that. I guess.
But...but...but. What's gone is the sense of progress, like I'm getting somewhere new, like I can move forward. I was never particularly visually gifted, or in tune with music like so many of the super talented vidders I know. What I was is stubborn. Willing to bash my head against a timeline to get somewhere, willing to do math in order to make up for an absolute lack of natural rhythm. Along with a knack for pushing emotional buttons, that'll get you pretty far. But only so far. At a certain point you have to have the talent to see things in your head in order to even attempt them. And I don't. I don't see them.
So I can keep making vids, and they'll be okay, some of them even good. But they won't be anything more than what they are now. All that delicious talk about expanding and growing and digging into vids and what they are and what they can do, and the ideas bouncing all over the place, I don't actually belong in that conversation. I'm just going to keep being left further and further behind while I tread vid water. Which, is probably a big factor in why I have so many vid projects that I've started over the last year but failed to actually finish. I wish I could blame cancer for that, but it's been going on way longer.
And I am a petty, spiteful, jealous person, because watching other people flush with excitement over the possibilities of what they can do, where they are going, what they want to try next, learning...it sort of just puts me in the mood where I want to start punching people in the face. Which is completely irrational. But there it is.