Eunice

I'm trying to sort out in my head what I mean when I say that I am not a romantic. Because I'm really, really, really not. It's not that I don't believe in love, or that love is a good thing, or that love can be the motivation for wonderful things. And I love to 'ship, it is fun and it makes my heart go melty and fills me with glee. It's that, what is an absolute truth to me is that love is not enough. Not on it's own. It doesn't exist in a vacuum, and to ignore or dismiss everything else that goes into living for just one thing just strikes me as nothing more than a set up for absolute disaster. And it's not just choosing a romantic partner that I mean. Something like, say, a high school basketball player who has no backup plan for the rest of their life other than 'Get into the NBA' leaves me with the same horrified 'oh...honey, no' feeling, regardless of how talented or dedicated or motivated they are. Because shit happens. And maybe it isn't sexy to be practical when it comes to dreams, but I've just seen too many people, including myself, get crushed like a bug and left with nothing when they weren't. Having one thing you are dedicated to above all else, be it a person that you love or a specific goal or dream isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's having nothing else to fall back on, and no recognition that you should. Not taking into account the real obstacles and evaluating the actual risks and coming to terms with how you might deal with that and just trusting that if you want it enough everything will work out in the end...that's a good way to get everyone around you, including, maybe especially yourself, hurt. It makes me twitchy in real life, and it makes me twitchy in fictional stories.

And maybe that's not a good thing, that I can't let go of that for fiction. I mean, I can believe in all manner of ridiculous things in the name of my stories, my real life belief in pacifism certainly doesn't stop my utterly gleeful love of things blowing up and people getting punched in the face in a fictional context. I don't know. But there it is. I actually do enjoy a love story, I am a sucker for 'shippy glee, I'm also going to always going to see either thing as an uncomfortable tragedy if I feel like either partner sees it as the end all, be all, of their existence. Part of the reason I 'ship is because I want my beloved characters to be happy. An impending feeling of looming disaster just doesn't bring the glee. It might be a good story, and one that I enjoy for all sorts of reasons, but it won't be a love story for me so much as a cautionary tale.

Or it is possible that I have no heart and a shriveled soul. I'm not ruling that out, for real. Sometimes I feel like the scowling killjoy in the corner when I see people sighing happily while I'm doing the equivalent of 'oh really? and will love pay the rent or buy your food and what exactly are you going to do when one of you dies horribly in a car crash, huh?'

Life is weird sometimes. I just had a really great conversation with merryish over coffee this morning about privilege and fandom, only to come online afterwords to discover yet another round of racism and Who, umpteenth thousand verse, same as the first. And it occurs to me that I'm not a very good ally. Because I generally don't talk about this stuff very much in public. A lot of it is for the reasons previously stated in this LJ that I cling to my squee like a life preserver and, frankly, it's difficult for me to engage with things that will harsh it. But that's the thing, isn't it? The reason I can watch my shows the way I do is because I'm watching from a privileged position. That's just...true. In the same way that, intentional or not, the fact that my show, this show that I love for so many reasons, continues to perpetuate racist and sexist undertones is also...just true.

I'm not quite sure how to resolve that conflict between needing a place of escapism and recognizing that the very place I'm hiding is also capable of being exclusionary and hurtful. I do know that I don't want to be silent. I don't want my squee to be taken as an endorsement of troubling patterns. And when those troubling patterns are pointed out, I don't want to be counted on the side that waves it's hands in furious denial and pretends they don't exist...because there they are. And if we're not willing to see them, how on earth will we ever get around to fixing them?

I think it's possible for squee and awareness to co-exist. It has to, because we are so deeply steeped in this shit all around us, that if it weren't there'd be nothing left but anger, and I can't live like that, much less be fannish like that (and again, is this because I have the privilege to say that? How nice for me.) I dunno. I don't have the answer, not for me, not for fandom. I wish I did. I do know that arguing that the conflict doesn't exist at all, that the hurt doesn't happen, isn't on the list.

Mostly just...thinking out loud here. And wishing I were stronger or smarter or less selfish about all of this.

My reaction to the fact that the full article containing the dimwitted statements by RTD is now available to read? LALALALALALA I'm not reading it, and you can't make me. Wow, that feels good. I can seriously feel huge chunks of my fandom angst just sort of fall away knowing that nothing anyone involved with the show can say will affect the way I see it, because I'm not listening anymore. Seven days until Kylie and the Titanic and stuff blowing up! Yay!

Subtext is awesome, tons of fun, provides endless opportunities for speculation and entertainment, and is all around one of the best toys in the toybox when it comes to fannish pursuits. You know what subtext isn't? Text. That's how come there's the "sub" in front of it. And what I really can't figure out is why that's supposed to be a bad thing. Explicitly textual pairings are fun and all, but there's a limited number of places to go from there fannishly speaking most of the time. You lose control over how and when and why and where your favored pairing gets together, and that's got some serious disadvantages as far as what we do.

One of the reaons I came tumbling back down on the het side of the fence watching Doctor Who is, oh, hey subtext, awesome. Subtext that has very little chance of becoming text...more awesome. The Doctor himself is one big ball of alien subtext with motivations and feelings that we never, ever, get to pin down entirely, 'cause they aren't human. COOL. The options are pretty much unlimited as to where you can go with that, and I find myself completely resistant to arguments that would box it in. There are eighteen gazillionty shows where you can see a standard het romance develop, quite a few of which I enjoy a lot. But how many give you the chance to play like this? I really, really don't understand the urge to take that away.

It's like, you know my lego theory of fandom? To me this is like getting a whole pile of different shapes and sizes and some of them glow in the dark and some of them sparkle and some of them are bendy and then complaining because there isn't a picture on the box to copy exactly. And then deciding that if there was a picture on the box, it would be of the thing you just built, because it's obvious that the bendy thing and that glowy thing go together like so, even though the bendy thing and the sparkly thing fit a different way, so clearly, all other creations are inferior. And that's when I get the urge to turn into a two year old and kick your blocks to pieces. Which is definitely not a cool reaction, and it's one I'm trying to work on 'cause life is more fun when all the bendy, sparkly, glowy blocks are in play.

Um...in conclusion, 'ship wars are stupid and subtext rules.

I picked up the Dark Is Rising from the bookstore the other day because I never read it as a kid, and I felt bad for all my friends that were horrified at the movie previews. I am now joining them in viewing the promos for the movie with a big old "WTF, no seriously what the fucking fuck?" look on my face. Because the story as it is in the book is delightful and would make a fantastic movie so I completely fail to understand what they were thinking. On the plus side, I'll be getting the rest of the books in the series, so I should thank the movie for that even if I'm never going to go see it.

I remain absolutely thrilled about the scheduling decisions for 2009 and series 5 of Doctor Who. I actually found myself baffled that there was a negative reaction at all. Two years of *confirmed* new Who, with the abbreviated season seeming as though it is geared towards long term planning to prevent burnout (from both the audience and the production team), long term planning that bodes well for even *more* new seasons. What's to be unhappy about? Granted, the possibility of keeping DT may be coloring my outlook on account of I am admittedly helpless in the face of the Tennant, but if they announced tomorrow that a regeneration was in the offing I'd still think this was a smart move. Doctor Who is unique in that it doesn't have a 'natural' run of x number of seasons like so many shows, the continuing flexibility offered by regeneration and companion-go-round gives it long haul possibilities beyond the standard. But avoiding oversaturation is key, and I would rather the occasional breather season than a non stop production run that ends up driving the whole thing into the ground.

Actually, I find myself baffled by the negativity of fandom in general lately (not in any way limited to Doctor Who). It's not that it's anything new, it's just sometimes I pop up from my shiny, happy world of sparkles and kittens and rainbows and realize that, wow, I really am living off in a world of my own when it comes to my shows. I'm not so much talking about existence of critical meta or discussions of flaws...it's more...*ponders*. Okay, the thing is if I'm still watching a show and talking about it, then it's because I love it. And if I love it I want the balance of the time I spend thinking about it to be about the things that make me happy. My first reaction to anything I don't like is almost always "Okay, how can I fix that in my head so it works for me again." The moment at which the balance shifts and I spend more time focusing on what's wrong than what brings me joy is the moment at which I simply stop watching. And I don't look back, except with occasional wistful remembrance of what we once had. Clean break. Those of you who've known me awhile have seen me do it before, and I'll do it again. This is often not at all how fandom as a whole functions, and I just get to the point sometimes where I want to look around and see people talking about what they love more than what they don't. I also want a pony.

I have officially dropped into the yearly post VVC funk. One of the pitfalls of being surrounded by, and focusing on, amazing vids and wildly talented vidders is the inevitable crash when you start comparing yourself to the field. This is entirely unproductive and pointless, of course, but it's a hard thing to kick out of sometimes. Learning from your mistakes and picking up ideas and techniques is a good thing...doing it without tacking on "because I suck" is kinda tricky.

One of the hardest things about learning anything is that the more you learn the more you realize how much you don't know. I remember the first vid I ever made (which, what the hell was I thinking, Another One Bites the Dust...to Buffy. With a random barn door transition. *facepalm*) and it was all, "Oh my god, you can put CLIPS...to MUSIC...who KNEW?" And I sort of miss that clueless and giddy glee. I also really don't, because it's actually much more satsifying and fun to me this way. I think I'd get bored with vidding very, very quickly if there wasn't something new to learn, some goal to push for. And it's thrilling to watch other people hit new levels, and do cool new things, and to watch with awe at an insanely well crafted vid that hits right there.

Remembering it's not a race is a bit harder. I can only make the vids I can make, at the level I am, and that's okay. No vid I ever make is going to be good enough for me, and that's okay too, because it's what keeps me wanting to learn, and what leads me to that insanely addictive rush of understanding something I didn't understand before. That's really what I'm here for. I get that, and on good days I even feel it. And then there are those days you watch a vid that is so amazing your first reaction is the urge to chuck your computer out the window and give up forever. Or you see a newbie sail right past you in skill level on their first or second vid and wonder just how dumb you are.

I'd like to find a balance...using that desire to be better to push myself into growing and learning as a vidder without letting pointless jealousy or comparisons stop me in my tracks. I want to be able to look at one of my vids and think "That's the best vid I could make, at the time I made it." and be proud of that and what that means. Because that is cool no matter how far there is left to go. I'll let you know if I figure out how to do that.

I'm going to do a full review of my VVC discs once I get my big screen TV to watch them on, but I wanted to do a specific rec of Women's Work by sisabet and Lum because it is so powerful to me on so many levels and I'm going to try, and probably fail to be articulate here in explaining why. It's disturbing, yeah. Very. And it's angry. I love it for that. I love that it expresses so clearly that feeling of helpless feminist rage I have every time I stop and really look around at how far we are as women from being fully recognized as people in so many ways. How deeply ingrained it is and how so much if it is what I can't do anything about except try to survive it.

I should say that I like Supernatural. Quite a lot actually, even though I generally don't post much fannishly about it. And I'll absolutely still be watching come the new season and talking about all the things I like about it with other people. Thing is, this vid stopped (if it ever was) being about Supernatural for me very shortly in to it and became a distillation simply of what's wrong with the images of violence against women, especially the sexualized images of violence against women that we're all just soaking in constantly. Because it sells. And there's nowhere you can go to avoid it. Why Supernatural? I don't dare try to speak for the vidders, but I'll say if I was going to make an angry feminist commentary on women in media...right now I'd use Doctor Who. Why? Because I love it. And I'm gonna say it again. There's nowhere to go. Nowhere. That thing we love, whatever it is will inevitably be problematic when it comes to women because our society is. We're incredibly good at repurposing text in fandom. It's what we do. I love that about us. We have the power to take the best bits and weave them into something new that really is just for us. And I love the shows we love for giving us more than enough material to do that, sometimes in just incredibly awesome ways. But sometimes you have to step back and go "Damn, that's fucked up." This vid does exactly that. Damn. That's fucked up. And we live there.

laurashapiro made a cool post about how her reading DW fic mirror her experience in the dS fandom which got me thinking about my own fandom experiences and then combining that with the other stuff I've been thinking about lately and led me right back to the days of Buffy fandom and the realization that Ten/Rose has become this weird mirror to the way I experienced B/A...and for many of the same reasons. Except this time the process has happened in reverse. And it all comes down to two things I posted about earlier...the way we talk about things in fandom affecting the way we watch, and my absolute loathing of Soulmates 4Evah 'shipping.

In both relationships you have a rather, er, vocal contigent of 4Evah 'shippers whose arguments...well, they make my skin crawl. With B/A, I didn't start watching the show until 5th season and had been heavily exposed to them before I saw the first three seasons. The end result was that the first time through I had a near allergic reaction to the pairing and a gut level response of DO NOT WANT to any hint of B/A discussion or fic. Then a couple things happened. First, I met and became friends with quite a few B/A fans who were not coming from the soulmate place, many of whom had cool things to say about the relationship and gave me an in to thinking about it in a different context. Second, Myrtle and I made a B/A vid which did even more to cause me to rethink the filter I was seeing them through, and that if you tilt your head this way...huh, something interesting to chew on there after all. Third, my love of threesomes and the practically built in one of Buffy/Spike/Angel meant I pretty much had to come up with some justifications for B/A I didn't hate since I don't OT3 without being able to back all three of the incoming relationships. End result? I went from running away screaming at the mere mention of B/A to the place I am now...while I wouldn't necessarily call myself a 'shipper, I am fascinated by the relationship and the ways it could work. I have even been known to read B/A fic where Spike wasn't anywhere nearby (I know! Me!) And when I rewatch earlier episodes now I find I actually (and I will deny this if you tell anyone)...well, sometimes I coo and go "awwwwww" at them.

Ten/Rose? Completely opposite trajectory. I watched series one and two of DW in total fannish bubble that consisted primarily of me, myself, and I. Before I started reading around fandom I thought they were freaking adorable together and while I was on the fence about romantic potential I was all over the fact that Rose and the Doctor loved each other. A lot. I loved that they did. I also thought they were doomed and kinda dysfunctional and I was fascinated by the way that played out. And then I cried and cried and cried and cried at Doomsday when the doom arrived. Given my history and the way I love to 'ship, I should've ended up jumping on that boat with both feet fannishly. Instead I ended up running smack into a wall of 4Evah soulmates. Like garlic to a vampire dude. Picture me cowering away from my computer screen muttering "nononononononoooooooo". I have a hard time even talking about Ten/Rose as a 'ship anymore without feeling a slight recoil even though it has nothing to do with what I saw on screen or my own perception of them as a pairing. Reading 'shippy fic about them is near impossible even when I want to because I'm flinching at the possibility it's gonna go down the soulmate road at any moment.

If I were a totally rational human being, I'd be able to include Ten/Rose in my 'ships on my terms regardless of how other people 'ship them. I think someday I will again once the fandom itself is less volatile and reaches that place where everyone sort of chills out and bonds. 'Cause dude...freaking adorable and dysfunctional and love and hugs. Just...not right now. I'm not that rational.

Obligatory disclaimer: This is my issue and I accept full responsibility for my own discomfort and have no expectations that anyone 'ship anything differently than they want to or that makes them happy. Seriously. I have no doubt that my love of any number of 'shipping conventions makes other people just as nuts as theirs make me.

I hate being sick. Woke up on Saturday with a scratchy throat and a small fever. By Sunday morning I was in full hack/cough/sneeze mode that hasn't let up since. Which has nothing to do with my fandom thoughts but I'm whiny when I'm sick and if I have to miserable, dammit you all have to hear about it.

Right, so fandom thoughts for a Monday morning. It's sort of amazing to me how hypersensitized hanging out in fandom can make people to one aspect of a show/movie/book (especially 'ships or characters that provoke strong reactions), often completely out of proportion to the actual amount of time devoted to the thing in canon. Not that I don't think obsessively focusing on or picking apart the details isn't a good thing. Hell, it's part of what makes fandom so fun and how we bond.

But just from hanging out among various fannish communities (and this has happened in every fandom I've ever been around), you'd think that vastly more amounts of screen (or page) time is devoted to whatever the thing is than ever really is. It's like the constant hyperfocus and discussion tunes us in so strongly to whatever that even the smallest mention gains far more weight and, I dunno, presence than everything else. An objectively short scene ends up feeling like, and being discussed as though, it's taken up half of the story when really the overwhelming majority of the time was spent on the search for whoozits or fighting demons or aliens or completely unrelated relationships or characters. And when it's a character or ship that irritates you, and you've just spent several hours arguing about it with people who obsessively love it as much as you dislike it (or vice versa) it really does feel like that one or two scenes is the end all, be all of what makes or breaks the story.

It worries me how easily that kind of investment (positive or negative) in any one aspect or character can just...shut everything else out. When I go back and rewatch or reread something after the intense furor and focus has died down I'm always surprised at how little of the Big Fannish Focus ever shows up, and how many other interesting or potentially enjoyable things I completely missed on first watch. I'm not sure how you solve that, or if it's even a good idea to. What would fandom be without the thrill of devoting hours to decoding what a single look means? Or doing a happy dance of joy around your living room and rushing to express OMGCAPSGLEE with fifty other people over the tiniest bit of backstory that supports a theory or fic idea? I just kinda wish that it was possible sometimes to at least step back and recognize that how we talk about a story really, really, really does affect how we see it. And even though we wish Character X would die in a fire, or that references to this or that 'ship were banished forever and ever to the dimension of puppets, and we know that their fans will be utterly obnoxious for the next three weeks over that five minutes, it honestly was just five minutes and not the five hours it felt like.

This is Eunice on cough medicine. Carry on.

I really should be finishing cleaning my house. Instead I'm (surprise) randomly thinking about Doctor Who. More specifically the Doctor's sex life, or lack of thereof. Yes, I know this is a topic that has been done to death...but hey, I'm new so I'm still working these things out in my head. And while I wholeheartedly approve of fannish created hot and dirty Time Lord porn involving any number of human characters, I waffle on the question of Doctor/Human, er, relations with the Doctor as presented to us on screen.

The presence of Jack tells us that cross-species romping in the Whoverse is, as a rule, really no big deal so that obstacle is off the table. Here's where I get stuck. What I can't quite reckon is does the Doctor view humans as a different species or a lesser species? If it's the second then the argument kind of ends right there for me and I imagine he views companions getting the hots for him the same way I do when my dog tries to hump my leg. Mildly annoying, but hey it's a dog..it's what they do...so you shove them off but still buy special doggie treats and scritch them behind the ears 'cause they are cute and cuddly and you love them to bits anyway because they make good pets and friends. I might tell my cat that she's gorgeous and mean it, but then it doesn't exactly mean the same thing as if I say it to one of you, ya know?

Ah, but if it's the first then it's a whole 'nother can of worms. Technologically backward, shorter lived, or not as intelligent doesn't necessarily equal lesser, after all the Time Lords might have the advantage there but we have plenty of evidence that they could be right bastards and not at all lacking in flaws. Is the ability to see and manipulate the universe on the big scale better than being able to do the same on the small one...or just a matter of perspective? And granted, it's a difference in perspective that brings all sorts of other issues to the table about power balances and lack of understanding and all sorts of dodgy and painful questions...but it doesn't rule out the possibility that someone might try. Or at the very least have a moment of "OMG my companion(s) are kinda hawt...just the once then."

And thirdly, there is the possibility that he thinks of humans as lesser and is wrong. Or, I suppose fourthly thinks of them as different, not lesser and is wrong...which, wow you could write some really depressing and twisted fic on that theme in which the Doctor goes for it only to slowly realize that he's attributed equal status to and is having sex with what is essentially a pet. I don't think I'd want to read it, but you could.

So, a poll I guess.

[Poll #1011274]