(no subject)

[fan_eunice]

This post brought to you by increasing panic brought on by the last 24 hours of waiting for more definitive news. I'm fucked. I am so seriously fucked. Despite having trouble finding good information about my specific presentation, the one thing I keep reading over and over and over and over...on pretty much every site that has any information about breast cancer at all is that the primary indication of poor prognosis regardless of staging is lymph node involvement. Which I have. Even if I beat it this time, there is a strong likelyhood that I will spend the rest of my life (however long that may be) fighting this bitch. There will never be a day that I don't have to worry if this is the day it comes back for good. Ever. I swear I feel like punching someone hard right now. Anyone will do. I backed out of brunch this morning because I know I'd spend that time either obsessively cataloguing every twinge while I walk and sit as evidence I'm dying, or being so incredibly pissed off at everyone there for not being sick (and how fucked up is that, that I'm starting to hate people because they are well?) that I'd say horrible mean things to anyone who tried to talk to me.

Today, I am not coping well. At all. Please expect a goofy apology post covered in smilies tomorrow if the diagnosis is better than I fear. If not, I may show up on your doorstep and punch you in the face. Just because.