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So...now what? It's a question I ask myself a lot lately. Back when this all started I thought if I got through it, I would go out in the world and do all the things I've ever wanted to do and grab that second chance with both hands. Funny thing is? Cancer doesn't actually cure mental illness, WHO KNEW? I couldn't even manage to plan a party because my brain melted down at the thought of it. And now I'm stuck with a host of physical limitations I didn't have before in addition to the fun new categories added of 'things to get anxious about'.
It's not all bad. There are real life plans in the works that are potentially VERY EXCITING, and which I should have more news about after this weekend. Online I have been pushing myself to comment more, to talk to more people, make new friends, engage more in the community.
My vidding has exploded, and I'm not just past my block, I'm in a whole new place with it. What's funny is when I started vidding, the process of it was the perfect hyperfocus escape from how limited my life was. As the social elements entered into it, a wonderful thing happened. I made friends (multiple), I started attending activities not in my house, I found a community. The drawback to this was that the social anxiety I was avoiding by vidding became intertwined with vidding, and I've actually been walking backwards on that front both creatively and socially for several years.
And now, once again, the hyperfocus of the process and the ability to hash out emotions on the timeline are the perfect outlet for something else and I'm back in there again gleefully chucking clips and making vids and not being held back by fear of what people will think, or if I'm good enough or anything. That part is really nice. I've made more vids in the last two months than I have in the last two years.
So where to go from here? I just don't know. The fear that planning a future or starting something new will be the jinx that will ensure I don't have a future at all is strong. Not rational. But strong. I have to adjust to this new and more damaged body. Learn to live with the additional fears. Make something out of what's left. I have no point here. Mostly I'm rambling.
It's not all bad. There are real life plans in the works that are potentially VERY EXCITING, and which I should have more news about after this weekend. Online I have been pushing myself to comment more, to talk to more people, make new friends, engage more in the community.
My vidding has exploded, and I'm not just past my block, I'm in a whole new place with it. What's funny is when I started vidding, the process of it was the perfect hyperfocus escape from how limited my life was. As the social elements entered into it, a wonderful thing happened. I made friends (multiple), I started attending activities not in my house, I found a community. The drawback to this was that the social anxiety I was avoiding by vidding became intertwined with vidding, and I've actually been walking backwards on that front both creatively and socially for several years.
And now, once again, the hyperfocus of the process and the ability to hash out emotions on the timeline are the perfect outlet for something else and I'm back in there again gleefully chucking clips and making vids and not being held back by fear of what people will think, or if I'm good enough or anything. That part is really nice. I've made more vids in the last two months than I have in the last two years.
So where to go from here? I just don't know. The fear that planning a future or starting something new will be the jinx that will ensure I don't have a future at all is strong. Not rational. But strong. I have to adjust to this new and more damaged body. Learn to live with the additional fears. Make something out of what's left. I have no point here. Mostly I'm rambling.