(no subject)

I still don't know if I'm doing festivids, but since it is likely I'll manage at least one treat even if I don't sign up, I have been working on nominations. I've got quite a few slots still open, though...so if you ran out of space on yours and there's a fandom you really want to see on the list that isn't there? Holler at me in comments and I'll put it in.

So, anyway, still not really vidding. And that's because all my energy is currently going into a different project. Me. Not gonna lie, this started because I had one of those moments where I caught sight of myself in the mirror and was unexpectedly hit by just how out of proportion the combination of lack of boobs and the weight I put on during chemo (steroids), and after made me look. I believe my actual reaction was somewhere along the lines of 'Oh my god, I am grotesque. Self esteem is not exactly a strong suit with me? This story has a better progression from self body hatred, though.

I started looking into a few things. Getting boobs, maybe (I have the information but at this point I'm still leaning towards not with an open option to change my mind). Losing weight. Yeah. This goal has changed, kinda. 'Cause I did actually start with a structured eating plan (not so much a diet really, as tracking my intake and eating better qualities of food at regular intervals instead of not eating all day and cramming down large quantities of junk late in the evening). And walking for a half hour on the treadmill every morning. I have not lost a single ounce, but I kinda don't care because I...feel fucking fantastic. Eating healthy food regularly throughout the day gives you energy? WHO KNEW. I feel like I'm going to fucking die every time I get on the treadmill...and yet I have less pain and, again, more energy when I get off it. The neuropathy isn't better, but all my muscles and joints feel looser and more relaxed after, which means the cycle of 'tense up because of pain, muscle cramps and tight joints lead to more pain, tense up more' is way, way, less prominent. And, this is kinda weird and I don't know if I'm putting it right? But being in pain with more energy somehow sucks less than being horribly tired and in the same amount of pain? So, yeah, losing weight has become kind of beside the point, if I stay right here on the scale it is still worth it.

And more energy means I am tackling keeping on top of some of the basic life skills that I generally fail on due to being crazy as fuck. I get off the treadmill and with this strange new energy, I go do basic cleaning and whatnot so my house doesn't turn into a toxic waste dump. It's lovely, actually. I can actually look around without falling into a pit of despair about how gross my surroundings are.

The deal is, though, that right now all of this is really fragile. My brain wants very badly to default to crawling under the covers, because my brain sucks and doesn't care that I feel better doing this. So I am hyperfocused right now on devoting all my reserves to staying on task (and it takes all of my reserves to fight back against my crazy). This leaves almost nothing left for things like vidding right now. My hope (fingers crossed, knock wood) is that soon this will all become straight up habit instead of a constant struggle, and I'll have more to give elsewhere. But, as much as I want to get the auction vids done and maybe do festivids? I have to give priority to this right now.

So that's me and my life at the moment.