(no subject)

I have not really been talking about the weight loss aspects on my journal of what I've been doing because I am trying (and sometimes failing spectacularly) to keep that bit in perspective. Every bit of research I've done indicates that bodies in general have a sort of set weight point (that differs for everyone) they will naturally settle at, and I have no idea what mine is because it's been so long since I ate properly or had any kind of physical activity. The important bit is finding the right balance of food and excercise at which I feel healthiest, and whatever point my body settles at is where I need to be cool with, because forcing it into anything else is as unhealthy as the crap way I was not taking care of myself before.

But, there is one, I guess milestone, I hit yesterday that has entirely different meaning to me. In the two months prior to my cancer diagnosis I dropped a lot of weight due to the aggressive growth of the tumors in my lymph nodes. And then when I started treatment I gained a lot of weight (what I had lost, plus a bunch more) because of the steroids, weight that did not entirely go away after treatment because I was also now dealing with the physical after effects which kept me immobile, and I suspect also the continuing destruction of my thyroid.

Yesterday I returned to my pre-cancer (before both the loss and the gain) weight for the first time in nearly four years. And, this was just huge for me emotionally in terms of dealing with all that. Combined with how good I've been feeling lately, it just. It was like an external signal that maybe I can start to think of that whole disaster of a journey as being close to over. I am not who I was before it began, and I never will be again. But there is an 'after'. And I am approaching it. That's kind of amazing to me.