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Today's daily posting prompt comes from zen who asked me to talk about my feelings about Cas and Dean/Cas.
You guys. Cas is my favorite. Wait, that was not nearly emphatic enough. Cas is my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaavoooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiite!!!!! I love him more than I have loved any single character on Supernatural with the exception of Ellen (and we'll get to that in a second). I don't actually have words for how much I love him. To put this in a slightly broader context, for all the hot mess it can often be (and I'll never deny that 'hot mess' is often the best description), the introduction of the angel mythology and storylines to Supernatural brought with it an entire laundry list of themes surrounding choice and free will and faith that were kind of aimed directly at the heart of many of my narrative kinks. And while I get why it doesn't work for a lot of people, either in concept or execution...for me it was like they basically put out a bowl of fannish crack with my name on it specifically, and positioned Cas (and Anna, RIP) directly at my weakest pressure points. I am fairly certain that had season 4 not occured during the year I got cancer, the current obsession you are seeing from me now would have kicked my ass into fannish overdrive right then and there.
But, I didn't have either the time or emotional energy to invest in a new fannish whirlwind at the time, fell behind, and by the time I was in a position to go there, I'd heard about what happened to Ellen and Jo. A thing which I have since come to terms with, but held a serious grudge about for years (I still miss you Ellen. *SOB*). It really did not help that one of the first episodes I saw after that was a rerun of the episode in which Anna returns and dies while visiting Zen. I'm not sure if she remembers me muttering 'fuck this show so hard' and storming out to have a smoke? But that happened. I was, however, still invested in Cas...and he's pretty much the only reason I kept up on a sporadic and grudgy fashion in the intervening years. And the eventual reason I decided to watch more, which led to the decision to marathon the entire series from the beginning, which led to falling off a cliff named Dean Winchester, and finally being open to the family/brothers emo porn that is the bedrock of the show (but not actual porn, no judgement but for me personally, I have an incest squick a mile wide which means I prefer my co-dependent brother feelings to keep their pants on while I clutch my heart and feelings flail).
So basically, Cas is responsible for pulling me into the deep wallow of Supernatural feelings of the last year, and he maintains the position of MY FAVOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIITE, and probably will until either the show goes off the air or they kill him off (which, I don't think they will for various reasons but I'm not ruling it out because I've met this show). You might think, then, that this means I am about to give him the same Get Out of Jail Free card that I give Dean because Feelings. You would be very wrong. I've probably spent just as much (if not more) time wanting to grab Cas by the lapels of his trenchcoat and shake him until his teeth fall out of his head while repeatedly demanding 'what the hell is wrong with you. stop it. OMFG.' as I have cooing over him. This is actually a feature and not a bug in my head over heels devotion to him.
Which comes back to the weak spots I mentioned above about choice and free will and independence and claiming autonomy and words are hard. Just, these are deeply messy things to struggle with for anyone, and Cas is spectacularly (and often hilariously) bad at them. And they are choices that he makes. Not (as with Dean) because I think he's incapable of making different ones, but with a digging in of his heels once he has made a choice with stubborn inflexibility, deliberate obtuseness, a refusal to ask for help, and a bizzare faith in his own judgement which makes no sense at all in light of repeated evidence that his ability to make judgement calls sucks. All of which is, IMO, a part of an irrational backlash against not having choices or independent thought or autonomy through most of his existence. Because although he's not actually a child, his experience with these things is so new that what you get is an at times child like understanding of how this all works that leads to badness on an epic scale. Sometimes I think possibly my true SPN OTP is Cas/Poor Life Decisions. Because he means well, and he's trying so hard that I just.
If Dean is the traumitized puppy that involuntarily pees on your carpet, Cas is the five year old who accidentally sets it on fire while playing with matches. And then makes the damage worse by trying to put it out by pouring grape juice on it. And then tries to cover up the burned and stained mess by dragging a chair over it, gouging more holes in the carpet and knocking over and smashing several expensive vases on the way. And when you're standing there closing your eyes and counting to ten in an effort to remember all your best anger management techniques, he decides to make it up to you by drawing you a picture. On the wall you just painted. In permanent marker. Presenting it to you with such a woefully ridiculous expression of remorse on his face that at this point you burst out laughing and take him out for ice cream because what the hell else are you going to do with him. Well, that doesn't involve a body bag and an alibi. And you have faith that once he's past this unintentionally destructive phase, he's also shown you that he can and hopefully someday will grow into all the heart and empathy and good intentions that you also see in him. And I really do think he's making, and has made a lot progress on that front!
Just. Cas. Combine that with his particular struggles with faith and God, about which I have far more feelings than words that I wouldn't even know where to begin with it...seriously, keysmashing is about all I've got there. And. Yes. FAVORITE. And because I am also sometimes a deeply shallow person...not gonna lie. Smitey/Badass Cas makes me tingle.
Aaaaand, argh. I was also going to expound upon my many feelings about Cas/Dean as a pairing and why for the second part of today's request, but I am out of time 'cause I have stuff I have to do today. Shoot. If Zen does not mind I think I will add that as a topic for one of the later unclaimed dates.
You guys. Cas is my favorite. Wait, that was not nearly emphatic enough. Cas is my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaavoooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiite!!!!! I love him more than I have loved any single character on Supernatural with the exception of Ellen (and we'll get to that in a second). I don't actually have words for how much I love him. To put this in a slightly broader context, for all the hot mess it can often be (and I'll never deny that 'hot mess' is often the best description), the introduction of the angel mythology and storylines to Supernatural brought with it an entire laundry list of themes surrounding choice and free will and faith that were kind of aimed directly at the heart of many of my narrative kinks. And while I get why it doesn't work for a lot of people, either in concept or execution...for me it was like they basically put out a bowl of fannish crack with my name on it specifically, and positioned Cas (and Anna, RIP) directly at my weakest pressure points. I am fairly certain that had season 4 not occured during the year I got cancer, the current obsession you are seeing from me now would have kicked my ass into fannish overdrive right then and there.
But, I didn't have either the time or emotional energy to invest in a new fannish whirlwind at the time, fell behind, and by the time I was in a position to go there, I'd heard about what happened to Ellen and Jo. A thing which I have since come to terms with, but held a serious grudge about for years (I still miss you Ellen. *SOB*). It really did not help that one of the first episodes I saw after that was a rerun of the episode in which Anna returns and dies while visiting Zen. I'm not sure if she remembers me muttering 'fuck this show so hard' and storming out to have a smoke? But that happened. I was, however, still invested in Cas...and he's pretty much the only reason I kept up on a sporadic and grudgy fashion in the intervening years. And the eventual reason I decided to watch more, which led to the decision to marathon the entire series from the beginning, which led to falling off a cliff named Dean Winchester, and finally being open to the family/brothers emo porn that is the bedrock of the show (but not actual porn, no judgement but for me personally, I have an incest squick a mile wide which means I prefer my co-dependent brother feelings to keep their pants on while I clutch my heart and feelings flail).
So basically, Cas is responsible for pulling me into the deep wallow of Supernatural feelings of the last year, and he maintains the position of MY FAVOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIITE, and probably will until either the show goes off the air or they kill him off (which, I don't think they will for various reasons but I'm not ruling it out because I've met this show). You might think, then, that this means I am about to give him the same Get Out of Jail Free card that I give Dean because Feelings. You would be very wrong. I've probably spent just as much (if not more) time wanting to grab Cas by the lapels of his trenchcoat and shake him until his teeth fall out of his head while repeatedly demanding 'what the hell is wrong with you. stop it. OMFG.' as I have cooing over him. This is actually a feature and not a bug in my head over heels devotion to him.
Which comes back to the weak spots I mentioned above about choice and free will and independence and claiming autonomy and words are hard. Just, these are deeply messy things to struggle with for anyone, and Cas is spectacularly (and often hilariously) bad at them. And they are choices that he makes. Not (as with Dean) because I think he's incapable of making different ones, but with a digging in of his heels once he has made a choice with stubborn inflexibility, deliberate obtuseness, a refusal to ask for help, and a bizzare faith in his own judgement which makes no sense at all in light of repeated evidence that his ability to make judgement calls sucks. All of which is, IMO, a part of an irrational backlash against not having choices or independent thought or autonomy through most of his existence. Because although he's not actually a child, his experience with these things is so new that what you get is an at times child like understanding of how this all works that leads to badness on an epic scale. Sometimes I think possibly my true SPN OTP is Cas/Poor Life Decisions. Because he means well, and he's trying so hard that I just.
If Dean is the traumitized puppy that involuntarily pees on your carpet, Cas is the five year old who accidentally sets it on fire while playing with matches. And then makes the damage worse by trying to put it out by pouring grape juice on it. And then tries to cover up the burned and stained mess by dragging a chair over it, gouging more holes in the carpet and knocking over and smashing several expensive vases on the way. And when you're standing there closing your eyes and counting to ten in an effort to remember all your best anger management techniques, he decides to make it up to you by drawing you a picture. On the wall you just painted. In permanent marker. Presenting it to you with such a woefully ridiculous expression of remorse on his face that at this point you burst out laughing and take him out for ice cream because what the hell else are you going to do with him. Well, that doesn't involve a body bag and an alibi. And you have faith that once he's past this unintentionally destructive phase, he's also shown you that he can and hopefully someday will grow into all the heart and empathy and good intentions that you also see in him. And I really do think he's making, and has made a lot progress on that front!
Just. Cas. Combine that with his particular struggles with faith and God, about which I have far more feelings than words that I wouldn't even know where to begin with it...seriously, keysmashing is about all I've got there. And. Yes. FAVORITE. And because I am also sometimes a deeply shallow person...not gonna lie. Smitey/Badass Cas makes me tingle.
Aaaaand, argh. I was also going to expound upon my many feelings about Cas/Dean as a pairing and why for the second part of today's request, but I am out of time 'cause I have stuff I have to do today. Shoot. If Zen does not mind I think I will add that as a topic for one of the later unclaimed dates.
From:
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with a digging in of his heels once he has made a choice with stubborn inflexibility, deliberate obtuseness, a refusal to ask for help, and a bizzare faith in his own judgement
SO MUCH THIS. It's like, somehow, in the getting-free-will process, he internalised the idea that the simple fact of being able to choose isn't enough; now that he has the privilege of choice, he has to *always make the RIGHT choice*. So once he's made a decision--like, say, to keep Dean out of his problems by working with Crowley instead--he just kind of...clings to it as The Only Choice He Could've Made, even though he can SEE the damage that's being caused, and could even maybe pull out of the damage spiral by choosing differently at a later point. But of course he WON'T choose to do the thing that would pull him out of the damage spiral, because that would mean reneging on his EARLIER choice that brought him INTO the damage spiral.
OH, CAS. I love him. :D :D :D
Please do go into your Dean/Cas thoughts at a later date! I would be interested in reading them.
From:
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he internalised the idea that the simple fact of being able to choose isn't enough; now that he has the privilege of choice, he has to *always make the RIGHT choice*.
Ahahahaha, yes. It's like he thinks you only get one, maybe. Just, so much he just doesn't get about how it all works, except he thinks he does so he doesn't listen. Or well, he did this season. Listen that is. And learn. A little, anyway. Except now...who knows now. *stares at show*
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I have trouble even understanding why I love Cas so damn much, but wow am I ever invested in his story. ♥
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