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Yeah, I'm rambling again. I'm going to start putting my cancer meanderings under cuts for easy scrolling by, and for the record, if you feel the need to defriend me for any reason during this time, please do not feel a moment's guilt about hitting the 'defriend' button. I'm serious. I don't want to be dealing with this shit, and I don't expect anyone else to either. I do have more fannish posts in the works, and I'm pretty sure once this initial flurry of OMGWTF calms down so will my apparent need to post every five minutes about this.
I stopped Googling for information on all the horrible ways I could die, and started specifically looking for supportive helpful type sites. And now I'm just annoyed. The obvious choice is the breast cancer sites, right? And it's not like there's a lack of resources on the web in that area. Surely, I thought, I will find plenty of useful tips and supportive words about this limbo hell I currently find myself in. Yeah, not so much. You see, all those useful guides and pamphlets and Cheer Up Cancer Kid FAQ's for the newly diagnosed/in the process of being diagnosed, littered about the web all focus on the way breast cancer usually presents itself. Which is utterly useless to me. They haven't found the lump, they may not find the lump in my breast. It happens. So what the hell am I gonna do with comforting words on how to deal with your positive mammogram, when I don't have one of those? I'm not sure what reaction I"m supposed to have other than bitter laughter when I am informed that my doctor will probably want to check my lymph nodes when they take out my (nonexistent or camera shy) breast lump. Nearly every bit of information about lymph node biopsies and involved lymph nodes assume you have already been diagnosed and are under treatment. That's not exactly comforting for many reasons, but right now it's mostly annoying as fuck, because I have to piece together the possible steps to take from here, what my doctor might be looking for, completely out of order. Does this bit apply to me or not? Who the hell knows. It means all those shared stories that make you feel not so alone, they mostly sound absolutely nothing like mine. If ever I didn't want to be a Unique Snowflake, this would be that time.
Also, ever since I learned that this thing is on the move, every twitch...every cough...ever time my tummy rumbles or my back hurts or I feel a bit warm or anything at all twinges the immediate thought jumps to 'Is that it? Is it there? Does that mean anything? Is it possible for cancer to metastisize to the left toe?' It's exhausting being so hyperaware of every last thing my body does. As previously established I have taken pretty crap care of my health up to this point and I smoke, there is no shortage of things it does which can be interpreted as alarming in my current state. Knowing that I have gone directly to a minimum of Stage II, do not pass go, before I even find out anything else really doesn't help.
In conclusion, this still SUCKS. It doesn't seem like it's going to stop SUCKING any time soon. Did I mention it sucks? Because IT SUCKS.
I stopped Googling for information on all the horrible ways I could die, and started specifically looking for supportive helpful type sites. And now I'm just annoyed. The obvious choice is the breast cancer sites, right? And it's not like there's a lack of resources on the web in that area. Surely, I thought, I will find plenty of useful tips and supportive words about this limbo hell I currently find myself in. Yeah, not so much. You see, all those useful guides and pamphlets and Cheer Up Cancer Kid FAQ's for the newly diagnosed/in the process of being diagnosed, littered about the web all focus on the way breast cancer usually presents itself. Which is utterly useless to me. They haven't found the lump, they may not find the lump in my breast. It happens. So what the hell am I gonna do with comforting words on how to deal with your positive mammogram, when I don't have one of those? I'm not sure what reaction I"m supposed to have other than bitter laughter when I am informed that my doctor will probably want to check my lymph nodes when they take out my (nonexistent or camera shy) breast lump. Nearly every bit of information about lymph node biopsies and involved lymph nodes assume you have already been diagnosed and are under treatment. That's not exactly comforting for many reasons, but right now it's mostly annoying as fuck, because I have to piece together the possible steps to take from here, what my doctor might be looking for, completely out of order. Does this bit apply to me or not? Who the hell knows. It means all those shared stories that make you feel not so alone, they mostly sound absolutely nothing like mine. If ever I didn't want to be a Unique Snowflake, this would be that time.
Also, ever since I learned that this thing is on the move, every twitch...every cough...ever time my tummy rumbles or my back hurts or I feel a bit warm or anything at all twinges the immediate thought jumps to 'Is that it? Is it there? Does that mean anything? Is it possible for cancer to metastisize to the left toe?' It's exhausting being so hyperaware of every last thing my body does. As previously established I have taken pretty crap care of my health up to this point and I smoke, there is no shortage of things it does which can be interpreted as alarming in my current state. Knowing that I have gone directly to a minimum of Stage II, do not pass go, before I even find out anything else really doesn't help.
In conclusion, this still SUCKS. It doesn't seem like it's going to stop SUCKING any time soon. Did I mention it sucks? Because IT SUCKS.