(no subject)

[fan_eunice]

This week is sort of crawling by. This time next week I will be boobless. I'm stil trying to sort out my feelings about that. Not the loss of the boobs, I've had an indifferent to antagonistic relationship with them since they came in, and I can't say I'll miss them much. But the manner in which they are leaving, that's still hard to wrap my brain around. I think at first my primary reaction is going to be relief. All of the cancer they can see and measure will be gone. I will no longer be able to feel that stupid fucking lump under my arm that is trying to kill me. And most of the tissue it would be able to set up shop in any time in the future will be gone as well. I know it doesn't mean I'm out of the woods at all. That we still have to chase down the stray cells they can't yet see, with the chemo and the radiation, before they get a chance to invade anywhere else in my body. I don't have the pretty odds you get with a stage I (though they are still pretty good), and if they find a bunch more lymph nodes I may still be looking at a stage III (knock wood, crossed fingers not). But there is something about being able to *feel* and *see* it just sitting there that is disturbing in a way I can't even describe. I want to be able to focus on other things, to watch stuff and be silly and have some thoughts in my head that don't immediately trace back to 'oh hey, cancer'. And while I don't expect the rest of the treatment to be fun, I do expect I'll be able to reclaim some of my brain back when I can look at my scars and think 'That's right, bitch, you brought some cells, I brought a knife.' At least I won't feel so damn helpless anymore.