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Of the good, this protocol of chemo remains way more tolerable than the other one, though I'm still pretty much exhausted. I'm staying in pretty good spirits thanks to Zen and copious amounts of watching stuff and playing Guitar Hero together, still spending a good chunk of my weeks over on her couch. I'm downloading the new Torchwood so we can watch together in one go on Sunday. Ten more rounds of chemo to go (knock wood).
Of the not so good, I started smoking again. Yes, I feel infinitely stupid doing it, but the sense of relief at not being locked in constant battle with my lizard brain is overfuckingwhelming. The last time I quit, the cravings and whatnot were annoying, but the rest of my brain was in the headspace of 'nonsmoker' and it was not nearly this hellish (starting again was monumentally moronic that time since there was no compelling urge to do so, I just sort of..did one day and didn't stop again). This time there pretty hasn't been a day where I haven't been hit by the need to smoke several times a day and I just could not deal anymore. With regards to my long term health this is not good at all. In the short term, it's probably not going to effect the outcome of this round of cancer very much. It's not going to help for sure, but the damage done to my body, and lungs in particular, that would make a cozy home for metastasis was already done by the 24 years of smoking before this. If I can quit again in the near future, it will be a very good thing overall, but I'm done feeling guilty. I couldn't do it. It might kill me, and that's not enough right now, though I wish it was. So. There that is.
Of the not so good, I started smoking again. Yes, I feel infinitely stupid doing it, but the sense of relief at not being locked in constant battle with my lizard brain is overfuckingwhelming. The last time I quit, the cravings and whatnot were annoying, but the rest of my brain was in the headspace of 'nonsmoker' and it was not nearly this hellish (starting again was monumentally moronic that time since there was no compelling urge to do so, I just sort of..did one day and didn't stop again). This time there pretty hasn't been a day where I haven't been hit by the need to smoke several times a day and I just could not deal anymore. With regards to my long term health this is not good at all. In the short term, it's probably not going to effect the outcome of this round of cancer very much. It's not going to help for sure, but the damage done to my body, and lungs in particular, that would make a cozy home for metastasis was already done by the 24 years of smoking before this. If I can quit again in the near future, it will be a very good thing overall, but I'm done feeling guilty. I couldn't do it. It might kill me, and that's not enough right now, though I wish it was. So. There that is.