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And now I will tell the story of how I ended up making three festivids, which kicked off my mojo and resulted in a total of 5 vids and one vidlet in the last two months. Turns out vidding is excellent therapy, and Festivids was just the spark I needed.
Behind the cut, plans to retire, what have I got myself into?,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sisabet nearly crashes her car, denial is my friend, so is renenet, facing the pain, why I should not be allowed near the computer at 2 am, sdwolfpup saves my ass, anger is good and an axe to the head is better, revelations, and I traumatize greensilver and wish I had a picture.
In the beginning, there was the announcement of festivids. Exciting! And, I signed up, but I was also in a place where I was convinced my vidding days were behind me (I KNOW). I even toldrenenet that I was going to cobble together a vid and hope it didn't suck and then officially hang up my FCP and never try again. There was a great deal of dramatic sighing. *pauses for laughter*.
The funny thing is I almost didn't offer for China Beach. I put it in and took it off my list several times, 'cause while I have always wanted to see CB vids, I was intimidated as hell about vidding it myself and I didn't even have the series. But I found a working torrent, and right before I hit send, I put it back on the list. So when I got my assignment and was matched on it I went OMGYES, OH SHIT, BUTOMGYAY, BUTOHGODNO, a lot. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. And my torrents were finishing up.
And thensisabet nearly crashed her car. See, I didn't have a song yet and had been hashing out where I wanted to go with the vid (barkley had requested a Colleen vid), and coming back again and again to the PTSD thing. Which is when sisabet heard Mother Mary on her car radio and nearly crashed when it hit the chorus, and brought it to me. If I had been driving a car I would have crashed it too. Because it was PERFECT. Your bottle is empty and there's blood on the floor? SHE WANTS HER SON'S BLOOD WASHED FROM THE WALL. I wasn't entirely clear on the shape of the vid, but it felt right.
Except then I had to vid it. And I couldn't get a handle on where I was going, and just clipping for it was crushing my heart, I kept starting and stalling and changing tack and hating myself for being a suck vidder, and being upset that I could not do this show and this character justice and it was all depressing. But in the depths of my despair...there was Boonie, who (despite the dead babies in his past and future traumatic amputation) was really good at operating in the land of denial.
I wanted denial! I needed denial! Boonie and me, we like denial. And while joking withrenenet one day about how he was messing up my clipping by insisting on being so damn cheerful, I mentioned that someday I was going to need a Boonie song. Someday turned out to be ten minutes later when renenet started throwing songs at me and Now and Then sat up and yelled 'I AM BOONIE'. And the floodgates opened. Within 24 hours I had the entire structure of the vid laid out, and two days had a nearly completed vid. A happy, bouncy, fun vid about..the Vietnam War? If you know me, or perhaps just the series, that this vid is PURE DENIAL might be clear, but probably not. Mostly because I could not bring myself to go there, except in very roundabout ways, despite sisabet continuing to pull for in vid amputation. I gave her nipples and beer limbo instead. Much like the happy fun times version of Vietnam only exists in Boonie's denial loving mind, so does any deeper meaning to this vid only exist in mine. And I am okay with that. Sometimes you just gotta beer limbo, ya know?
And allowing myself that escape, turned out to be exactly what I needed to go back to Mother Mary (except that moment when the vid streams crossed and I had to cut off Boonie's leg and ended up sobbing at the computer 'BUT HOW WILL HE BEER LIMBO NOW?'). Ahem. But yes, that's when that vid started to flow, and I couldn't stop it if I tried. There was still insecurity and flailing, yes. But there was also catharsis, ripping open the wound and letting it bleed on the timeline. I stopped overthinking and just started vidding. And...I think everything I wanted to say, was trying to say, about this character and this show is in the vid, so I'm not going to really go into it here. Mostly because I don't have the words. Less than a week after finishing Boonie, Mother Mary was pretty much done. I still waver on the final vid itself, could be better, didn't do that as well as I should have, the usual ISuck crap. But I also...the emotional experience of making it isn't one I would trade for the world, as difficult as it was, and sometimes I watch and think, 'yeah, I did good.'
Two vids, y'all. I had made two vids. Any thought of retiring was gone, and the high I was on was unbelievable. Which is why I wasn't sleeping at 2 am when the pinch hit request went up. Why, this person was requesting a Seven and Ace vid! I had an idea for a Seven and Ace vid! What could possibly go wrong? In a fit of insanity, I claimed it. *FACEPALM*
Hey, you know what I can't do in a week? Sort through Ace's entire run and structure a vid while working around the very static footage of 1980's television. That vid is doable, and I'm going back to it eventually but it was not going to happen by the deadline. Vidlet! I will do a Seven and Ace vidlet! Thus began the frantic searching for short or editable songs for a one arc focused vid. And the FAIL at finding one. I just couldn't. There was a LOT of panicking. A LOT. Finally, in a fit of desperation I downloaded the safety movie on the list, Doomsday, to watch.
Which, not only is nearly ever single frame of it viddable, it is over the top, staggering body count, KICKASS chick, car porn GOOD TIMES, y'all. I was giggling like an idiot through most of it, waving my hands around and going 'WHEE' a lot. I was saved. And bonus! No one was ever going to guess me for vidding this movie. Ever (and nobody did, \o/). I was saved. Except for the part where I still didn't have a song. The scrambling and begging as my friends kept throwing me songs and none of them were hitting and I was getting progressively more panicked was...funny in retrospect but horrible at the time. Which is whensdwolfpup saved my ass with the magic words "I have some girl metal, this band called Drain Sth I can upload for you".
YESSSSSSSSS. And oh god once I had an in it felt good to vid this. I can't even tell you. I was whipping clips at that timeline and all this anger was coming to the surface and WHACK, AXE TO THE HEAD, MOTHERFUCKER. I was almost finished with it when I went...oh, duh...turned torenenet and said "dude, why didn't anyone tell me I was vidding my cancer?" Because there it was. And the point of this long rambly screed. I have been vidding my cancer. And I needed to. Yes, they are vids in an of themselves to the source and about the sources. But they are also these things in me that HAD to come out, and did. The need to hide my head under the covers and pretend, the ptsd and the depression, the ANGER. Here, here was a way for it to all spill out. And it did. Both to the benefit of my vidding and my well being. And it's continued. In TKO (it's not obvious, but better believe it's there). DEFINITELY in Dreams which is a twofer in terms of issues vidding, primarily about my doggie but the emotions it called up ones I also needed to feel about now. Vidding as therapy. And here I am now. And I'm still vidding. So pretty much, I have no words for the ways in which festivids saved me. And how grateful I am for that.
So we will end on the funniest story ever. I had my first draft of Simon Says, you see. And I was all...'heygreensilver, watch this?' and she was all 'Sure!'. Except, you guys, I had somehow not managed to communicate to her that I'd changed plans. She still thought I was vidding bouncy Seven and Ace. Let that sink in for a minute. Now imagine, if you will, her hitting 'play' on Simon Says still thinking that. I'll wait. Have you stopped laughing yet? BECAUSE I HAVENT. That there is not a picture of the *look on her face* so I could actually *see* it is very sad to me.
Behind the cut, plans to retire, what have I got myself into?,
sisabet nearly crashes her car, denial is my friend, so is renenet, facing the pain, why I should not be allowed near the computer at 2 am, sdwolfpup saves my ass, anger is good and an axe to the head is better, revelations, and I traumatize greensilver and wish I had a picture. In the beginning, there was the announcement of festivids. Exciting! And, I signed up, but I was also in a place where I was convinced my vidding days were behind me (I KNOW). I even told
renenet that I was going to cobble together a vid and hope it didn't suck and then officially hang up my FCP and never try again. There was a great deal of dramatic sighing. *pauses for laughter*. The funny thing is I almost didn't offer for China Beach. I put it in and took it off my list several times, 'cause while I have always wanted to see CB vids, I was intimidated as hell about vidding it myself and I didn't even have the series. But I found a working torrent, and right before I hit send, I put it back on the list. So when I got my assignment and was matched on it I went OMGYES, OH SHIT, BUTOMGYAY, BUTOHGODNO, a lot. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. And my torrents were finishing up.
And then
sisabet nearly crashed her car. See, I didn't have a song yet and had been hashing out where I wanted to go with the vid (barkley had requested a Colleen vid), and coming back again and again to the PTSD thing. Which is when sisabet heard Mother Mary on her car radio and nearly crashed when it hit the chorus, and brought it to me. If I had been driving a car I would have crashed it too. Because it was PERFECT. Your bottle is empty and there's blood on the floor? SHE WANTS HER SON'S BLOOD WASHED FROM THE WALL. I wasn't entirely clear on the shape of the vid, but it felt right. Except then I had to vid it. And I couldn't get a handle on where I was going, and just clipping for it was crushing my heart, I kept starting and stalling and changing tack and hating myself for being a suck vidder, and being upset that I could not do this show and this character justice and it was all depressing. But in the depths of my despair...there was Boonie, who (despite the dead babies in his past and future traumatic amputation) was really good at operating in the land of denial.
I wanted denial! I needed denial! Boonie and me, we like denial. And while joking with
renenet one day about how he was messing up my clipping by insisting on being so damn cheerful, I mentioned that someday I was going to need a Boonie song. Someday turned out to be ten minutes later when renenet started throwing songs at me and Now and Then sat up and yelled 'I AM BOONIE'. And the floodgates opened. Within 24 hours I had the entire structure of the vid laid out, and two days had a nearly completed vid. A happy, bouncy, fun vid about..the Vietnam War? If you know me, or perhaps just the series, that this vid is PURE DENIAL might be clear, but probably not. Mostly because I could not bring myself to go there, except in very roundabout ways, despite sisabet continuing to pull for in vid amputation. I gave her nipples and beer limbo instead. Much like the happy fun times version of Vietnam only exists in Boonie's denial loving mind, so does any deeper meaning to this vid only exist in mine. And I am okay with that. Sometimes you just gotta beer limbo, ya know? And allowing myself that escape, turned out to be exactly what I needed to go back to Mother Mary (except that moment when the vid streams crossed and I had to cut off Boonie's leg and ended up sobbing at the computer 'BUT HOW WILL HE BEER LIMBO NOW?'). Ahem. But yes, that's when that vid started to flow, and I couldn't stop it if I tried. There was still insecurity and flailing, yes. But there was also catharsis, ripping open the wound and letting it bleed on the timeline. I stopped overthinking and just started vidding. And...I think everything I wanted to say, was trying to say, about this character and this show is in the vid, so I'm not going to really go into it here. Mostly because I don't have the words. Less than a week after finishing Boonie, Mother Mary was pretty much done. I still waver on the final vid itself, could be better, didn't do that as well as I should have, the usual ISuck crap. But I also...the emotional experience of making it isn't one I would trade for the world, as difficult as it was, and sometimes I watch and think, 'yeah, I did good.'
Two vids, y'all. I had made two vids. Any thought of retiring was gone, and the high I was on was unbelievable. Which is why I wasn't sleeping at 2 am when the pinch hit request went up. Why, this person was requesting a Seven and Ace vid! I had an idea for a Seven and Ace vid! What could possibly go wrong? In a fit of insanity, I claimed it. *FACEPALM*
Hey, you know what I can't do in a week? Sort through Ace's entire run and structure a vid while working around the very static footage of 1980's television. That vid is doable, and I'm going back to it eventually but it was not going to happen by the deadline. Vidlet! I will do a Seven and Ace vidlet! Thus began the frantic searching for short or editable songs for a one arc focused vid. And the FAIL at finding one. I just couldn't. There was a LOT of panicking. A LOT. Finally, in a fit of desperation I downloaded the safety movie on the list, Doomsday, to watch.
Which, not only is nearly ever single frame of it viddable, it is over the top, staggering body count, KICKASS chick, car porn GOOD TIMES, y'all. I was giggling like an idiot through most of it, waving my hands around and going 'WHEE' a lot. I was saved. And bonus! No one was ever going to guess me for vidding this movie. Ever (and nobody did, \o/). I was saved. Except for the part where I still didn't have a song. The scrambling and begging as my friends kept throwing me songs and none of them were hitting and I was getting progressively more panicked was...funny in retrospect but horrible at the time. Which is when
sdwolfpup saved my ass with the magic words "I have some girl metal, this band called Drain Sth I can upload for you". YESSSSSSSSS. And oh god once I had an in it felt good to vid this. I can't even tell you. I was whipping clips at that timeline and all this anger was coming to the surface and WHACK, AXE TO THE HEAD, MOTHERFUCKER. I was almost finished with it when I went...oh, duh...turned to
renenet and said "dude, why didn't anyone tell me I was vidding my cancer?" Because there it was. And the point of this long rambly screed. I have been vidding my cancer. And I needed to. Yes, they are vids in an of themselves to the source and about the sources. But they are also these things in me that HAD to come out, and did. The need to hide my head under the covers and pretend, the ptsd and the depression, the ANGER. Here, here was a way for it to all spill out. And it did. Both to the benefit of my vidding and my well being. And it's continued. In TKO (it's not obvious, but better believe it's there). DEFINITELY in Dreams which is a twofer in terms of issues vidding, primarily about my doggie but the emotions it called up ones I also needed to feel about now. Vidding as therapy. And here I am now. And I'm still vidding. So pretty much, I have no words for the ways in which festivids saved me. And how grateful I am for that. So we will end on the funniest story ever. I had my first draft of Simon Says, you see. And I was all...'hey
greensilver, watch this?' and she was all 'Sure!'. Except, you guys, I had somehow not managed to communicate to her that I'd changed plans. She still thought I was vidding bouncy Seven and Ace. Let that sink in for a minute. Now imagine, if you will, her hitting 'play' on Simon Says still thinking that. I'll wait. Have you stopped laughing yet? BECAUSE I HAVENT. That there is not a picture of the *look on her face* so I could actually *see* it is very sad to me.