::waves::

You guys are beyond awesome. I am a little overwhelmed by, and so very grateful for, the outpouring of support and love yesterday. I'm not sure when (or if) I'm going to go through and respond to the comments individually, but I want all of you to know that it means a lot to know y'all are on my side. I've been able to stay pretty positive since coming home from the doctor yesterday and a big part of that is how much I don't feel alone right now. My people have my back. Oddly, I am actually in a better mood this morning than I have been since all this started. Not that this is my preferrred outcome, but it's better than not knowing. The things my brain can make up in the absence of answers, you would not even believe. Possibly one of the good things about being a hypochondriac who is prone to Googling, is that anything short of being told all my internal organs are going to spontaneously explode and/or melt within 24 hours ends up sounding like a step up. Things that are making me happy this morning, because the universe can pry my kittens out of my cold dead hands, dammit:

1. The official ribbon color for Hodgkin's is PURPLE (technically, violet, but it looks awfully purple to me). If you don't know why I nearly fell off the couch laughing when I saw that, I refer you to The Best Story Evar. David Tennant supports me in matching snacks and velvet jacket's, y'all.

2. heresluck is making me a CAKE! Those of you who have tasted her baked goods before are likely now thinking, 'damn, why don't I have cancer, it's not fair!' To which I will simply make neener faces at you because it's important to remember that you can always make yourself feel better by taunting others. ::taunts you with my cake::

3. Fannishly, I have watched nearly the entire first season of Burn Notice this week, on account of renenet tempted me with the prospect of a hot spy chick who likes to blow shit up. Fiona, the impossibly hot spy chick in question, was so very worth it. I find myself entertained as hell by this show and I'm really looking forward to watching the second season too. It appears my gen is a localized phenomena for Flashpoint only, though I have gone to the other opposite of the extreme in this case and become an utterly batshit OTP 'shipper of Fiona/Michael like you would not believe. I was a garden variety 'shipper in this case...until he gave her a gun for her birthday. With a bow on it. At which point it was all over, and now I am at the point where I would happily flame strangers on the internet for denying their TRUE LOVE 4EVAH.

4. For my birthday, I will be subjecting vagabondage to Merlin (No firearms will be exchanged. Probably. Unless it's a watergun with a bow on it.). She probably doesn't think she's going to fall under it's glittery, cracky spell. She has no idea. That show is so ridiculously happy making, I swear. *goes to watch sweetestdrain's vid again*

::hugs you all again, some more:: You rule. A WHOLE LOT.

(no subject)

FUCK. GODDAMNIT.

I just got a hell of a phone call. Well, the initial pathology stain they took right away was wrong. But not in the good way. Oh, no, I still have cancer. I just don't have Hodgkins. I have another kind, possibly of a far scarier version, because it started somewhere else and has metastisized to the lymph nodes. It's somewhere in my body right now and they don't know where, and they don't know what. They just know it's SPREAD.

That good mood of mine? Fucking gone. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

(no subject)

Slightly calmer, not much, but slightly. Talked to my dad, who talked to the surgeon more, because pretty much I heard lymph nodes involved from cancer somewhere else in the body and flashed on my interent googling and FREAKED THE FUCK OUT, so y'know...not exactly in asking intelligent questions mode. Surgeon is thinking breast cancer is the most likely option, so an MRI is tops on the list of Things To Do, since if it's there it's hiding on the mammogram. Which could mean that it's tiny (but an overacheiver, jesus fuck, to the lymph nodes already? you couldn't be a slacker tumor you miserable fuck?!?). Unknown at this point. Second on the list is ovarian cancer, so pelvic is in order as well. Basically this could be on the same level of suck and worry as the Hodgkin's or it could be really bad news. I get to go back to creepy unknown land again until there are more tests, with the only thing for sure is hey, CANCER.

Sorry for spamming you guys like this, I'm sort of in panic mode right now :(

More update edit: Monday is when they will start scheduling all the tests, since my cancer had the bad manners to reveal itself late on a Friday. I'm trying to think of this as good news, if they thought it was going to off me right away, they wouldn't wait until after the weekend. I am to have an MRI, a PET scan, the pelvic exam, and a consultation with an oncologist.

(no subject)

I'm at Zen's for the night. She has fed me and distracted me with Hugh, and I will crash on her couch. Love you all.