(no subject)

[fan_eunice]

Yay! I'm back in FCP for the first time since VVC, and it is, once again, a surprisingly angst free experience so far. It's like...something has shifted loose in the last month or so and, for the most part, a lot of the paralyzing anxiety and self-doubt has just kind of fallen away when it comes to vidding. And it's not about suddenly thinking I'm this great vidder or anything, because I still see all the same flaws and need for improvement. I still look at other people's vids and know I'm nowhere near that level of talent, and may never get there. It's just...that part is weirdly okay with me right now. Working on the I Suck panel meant a lot of looking at my own patterns, and ending up at the question of why. Why do I do this if it makes me miserable? And then, at Vividcon itself I just didn't have the energy to care if other vids made mine look bad, when something else in my life was just hurting too much. And the why became clear. No matter how talented, technically brilliant, pushing the edge, deep and thoughtful and intellectually stimulating any other vid was...they weren't my vids. The ones in my head. No one can make those for me, but me. They might not be as smart or as cool, but they are mine, and I kind of want to see them for myself, flawed though they may be. I hope, I want, I'd really like it if what I have to say connects with other people otherwise I wouldn't share, wouldn't want to work on learning how to communicate through this form better. Y'all are brilliant, I love seeing things through your eyes. I love that moment of "I know that, I've felt that, I understand that" that comes with watching a really good vid. And I also kind want to show you what it looks like through mine too. Warning, there may be some kittens along the way. :)