(no subject)

[fan_eunice]

I think one of the most disturbing things to deal with going through chemo is how counterintuitive it can feel. The symptoms of cancer itself tend to be vague, nonspecific, or nonexistent, particularly in the early stages (one of the reason screenings are so important for early detection). The side effects of aggressive chemo, on the other hand, are not only quite fucking miserable, but are in your face in that you have a direct cause and effect to point to. There is a deeply ingrained expectation that when you take medicine, you will start to feel better. I cannot fully describe how unsettling it is when the time you feel the best is during the rest period that the medication isn't actively doing it's thing. No amount of understanding of what it's doing and why it is necessary can quite override the instinctual need to run away from something that is hurting you. And then you have to do it again. And again. And again. Having just enough time in between to start to remember what it's like not to feel like something scraped off the bottom of your shoe. The whole thing is so fucking topsy turvy it's maddening, because it forces you to disregard what your body is telling, no screaming at you (stop doing that, it hurts). The thing which is trying to kill you feels better than the thing that will save you. How unbelievably fucked up is that?