(no subject)

Yeah, I'm rambling again. I'm going to start putting my cancer meanderings under cuts for easy scrolling by, and for the record, if you feel the need to defriend me for any reason during this time, please do not feel a moment's guilt about hitting the 'defriend' button. I'm serious. I don't want to be dealing with this shit, and I don't expect anyone else to either. I do have more fannish posts in the works, and I'm pretty sure once this initial flurry of OMGWTF calms down so will my apparent need to post every five minutes about this.

( early morning web wanderings and freak outs )

(no subject)

Okay, and the other reason I don't think I'll be hanging around designated support message boards much, and this is entirely fannish, is I don't speak their language and they don't speak mine. Fandom is my community, my creative outlet, my coping mechanism. Stories are how I get through crap. And I don't want to have to explain why getting a Mountie hat has suddenly become very important to me, or why I'd never wear any other shoes but my Chucks to a doctor's appointment. I want people who already understand why Mountie hats make you invincible, or Chucks mean you can't be caught if you have to run, and nod knowingly. And I really don't want to try to explain why, when I was scared and angry that I was so scared the other day, that changing my LJ name to "Joe Dick Eats Cancer For Breakfast" (and the conversation with renenet that led to it) both made me laugh and made me feel stronger at the same time. But it did. Because that's who I am, and that doesn't change. I can't imagine not going into a fight, any fight, without these tools, and people who know how powerful they are. Ya know? I'm gonna continue calling my surgeon 'Dr. Wilson' in my head even though I haven't watched House myself in years, and I'm going to get through consultations with him because of it. And that's that. Though I am going to be in a bit of a bind when I meet my oncologist since I already have a Wilson. And no, I don't want a House even though he could probably fix me by the end of the hour.

This is the vid of my heart, VID REC: Everything's Not Lost

You know how normally when I made a vid rec of a vid I really like I go all capslocky on you? I'm not doing that this time, because I go capslocky over, like, socks sometimes, and this? This is way beyond capslock, this is...excuse me while I burst into tears (good tears). greensilver made me a vid, which, at the time she didn't know was the perfect timing for, but it was. And actually would have been the perfect timing pretty much anywhen in the history of everything. This is the vid of my heart, guys. This, this, this. This is what I see when I watch New Who. This is why it means so much to me. And I will never, ever, ever have the words for what this vid means to me. How, the first time I watched it last month, when I realized what she was doing, where it was going, the tears started running down my face and I just...there it was. My heart in a vid, made for me by one of the most awesome people I know. I would be making this post and saying these things regardless, but guys? This last few weeks, every day. Every day I wake up and watch this vid. I am not lying when I say there are hours that it's the thing that keeps me going. Because everything's not lost. This vid is my hope.

Now, go and watch it. and then watch it a million times more. Pay it forward.

Thank you greensilver, thank you, thank you, thank you.