(no subject)

Why hello mood swings, I'm actually feeling slightly more optimistic this morning, and have decided my weirdo systemic symptoms could very well be paraneoplastic syndrome and not definitive evidence of metastases. It's rare, yes, but my whole presentation is very Unique Snowflake, so why the hell not? The hives are my best evidence in favor, because it's such an obvious autoimmune response. And I do already have a history of autoimmune so I'd be more likely to have such a response than Joe Cancer Patient. I still can't quite shake feeling like they are probably going to come back with the worst possible diagnosis on Monday, but I'm not in the blind, angry panic I was yesterday because I've managed to find a reason why it might not. It's amazing what a possibility will do to improve your mood. Sometimes Google actually is your friend.

MRI in a few hours, and the pelvic later today. Since I am seeing my GP for the pelvic, I'm going to ask her for a Xanax prescription. I weaned off it when I went on the Klonipin, because I was no longer having daily anxiety spikes of the crippling variety once the overall anxiety was managed. That is not so true anymore. The longer this part (the not knowing exact staging and diagnosis) goes on, the more insane I get.

(no subject)

MRI done! Boring and loud, but not too bad other than the part where the second they tell you that you can't move 8 million itches you must scratch now suddenly appear. Pelvic was supposed to be later today, but I started my period this morning (and hello, hormones are probably not helping the panic levels), so I think they can't do that? I'm showing up for the appointment anyway to beg the Xanax prescription.

This morning's thought pondering are on prayer. Specifically that people have asked if I mind if they pray for me. Not only don't I mind, I really appreciate it. Which may sound weird coming from an atheist, but it's true. People telling me I need to find God or trust in God or put it in God's hands...that irritates the hell out of me. No I don't, and no I'm not. But someone who is religious pulling for me in a way that is meaningful to them? That's a bit of an honor, really. To me it says that someone cares enough to turn to deeply held beliefs and rituals on my behalf, and that's powerful. It can't hurt to have someone wish the best for you in the strongest way they know how, if for no other reason than I carry the knowledge that they do care that much, and that's a benefit all on it's own. And one I'm thankful for.

*hugs*

(no subject)

No pap smear, etc, on account of starting my period this morning, but I'm calling the visit to my GP a win since it resulted in a Xanax prescription. She also had a pet medical student with her, and so we went over my case history and he got to feel my lump. He did manage to contain his excitement but you just know he was totally bragging over lunch (it looked like everyone had a student today). While everyone else was talking about the sniffles cases and whatnot, he got to lean back in his chair and look smug and go 'Oh, well I got a cancer patient who initially presented with hives. And I got to touch her lump. Suck on it.' Or maybe that's just what I would do in his shoes.

I also asked for more information about the PET scan tomorrow, and mostly it can either clear me or it can lead to more tests since the thing lights up inflammation and infection as well as tumors. This just makes me tired, since if it doesn't come back clear it means more testing and waiting. But I have Xanax now, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Third full day with the meal delivery stuff and, despite the intitial hiccups, it is tasty stuff, really quite nice. And extra nice not to have to worry about what I'm eating, just opening the designated meal. I have also not had any diet Coke since Monday, just water and juice. And I'm going to buy my nicotine patches this weekend, official quit date of Monday. Med student today said to me during discussion of quitting, 'It helps to have a strong motivation'...I kind of blinked at him a few times, pointed in the general direction of my lump and said "Yeah, I think I've got one of those.'