![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
::stares at timeline::
You'd think an episode that I loved this much would be easier to vid. You'd be wrong. I keep thinking there's no way I can do it any kind of justice, and I'm just going to get it wrong, and I have no idea what I'm even doing here. Every time I say I don't think I will finish, I still manage. So it is getting pretty ridiculous to have my weekly fit of NOT THIS TIME, NO REALLY, THIS IS THE WEEK I AM DEFEATED...oh, never mind. But what if this really is the week?
I've gotten sort of overly attached to the idea of finishing this project. And for all my meltdowns I do love doing it. It means I get to spend more time and fannish attention on this thing that I love SO MUCH. It forces me to be actively vidding instead of angsting over how I'm not vidding. The quick turnaround leaves me less time for all the internal bullshit that usually stalls my vids to get in the way. And it's reminding me why I vid in the first place. I think I will be very proud of myself when it's done, regardless of how I feel about any individual vid.
But, yeah, I'm really not fond of this part of it, where all the insecurity creeps in, and nothing on the timeline has gelled yet, and I am certain I'm going to be a failure at this like I am at every other thing. If I could skip this part it would be awesome. At least my sadness when this season is over (I DON'T WANT IT TO END) will be tempered by relief that I will get to break from the project satisfied that I did what I set out to do (if I do).
Ack, I am whiny today.
You'd think an episode that I loved this much would be easier to vid. You'd be wrong. I keep thinking there's no way I can do it any kind of justice, and I'm just going to get it wrong, and I have no idea what I'm even doing here. Every time I say I don't think I will finish, I still manage. So it is getting pretty ridiculous to have my weekly fit of NOT THIS TIME, NO REALLY, THIS IS THE WEEK I AM DEFEATED...oh, never mind. But what if this really is the week?
I've gotten sort of overly attached to the idea of finishing this project. And for all my meltdowns I do love doing it. It means I get to spend more time and fannish attention on this thing that I love SO MUCH. It forces me to be actively vidding instead of angsting over how I'm not vidding. The quick turnaround leaves me less time for all the internal bullshit that usually stalls my vids to get in the way. And it's reminding me why I vid in the first place. I think I will be very proud of myself when it's done, regardless of how I feel about any individual vid.
But, yeah, I'm really not fond of this part of it, where all the insecurity creeps in, and nothing on the timeline has gelled yet, and I am certain I'm going to be a failure at this like I am at every other thing. If I could skip this part it would be awesome. At least my sadness when this season is over (I DON'T WANT IT TO END) will be tempered by relief that I will get to break from the project satisfied that I did what I set out to do (if I do).
Ack, I am whiny today.
From:
no subject
You can do it!
From:
no subject
It just clicked for me that your Who vidding project is just like my SPN idfic writing project! So it's like we're SISTERS! (except for the dating.)
I think you will make it. And if you somehow don't, you'll be kind enough to forgive yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that the insecurity comes from the part of you that expects you to fail, and you're better than that and stronger than that. Because you totally are!
For me, what works best is reminding myself several times while actually doing my 1000 words a day that the point of this is not to be good; the point of this is to get it done. So my insecurities don't even matter - they're irrelevant to this process. Telling myself how much I suck? So what! Doesn't matter if I suck; what matters is that I put 1000 words on a page before I go to bed. And that is actually not that hard at all.
So what was your plan, what is the purpose of this project? Is it to turn out a stellar vid for each episode in the span of a week? Or just to celebrate your love for the show each week by exerting your creative and disciplinary muscles to turn out a vid per week when that is amazing and crazycakes and awesome all on its own? I'm just thinking, if you're letting the anxiety about quality and talent and skill and whatever back in, maybe that's like me letting my internal editor go on about how repetitive and boring and OTT my idfic is.
Anyway. I believe you can do it, because you are awesome. You can always poke me on AIM if you need a little encouragement! *HUG*