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I'm trying to sort out in my head what I mean when I say that I am not a romantic. Because I'm really, really, really not. It's not that I don't believe in love, or that love is a good thing, or that love can be the motivation for wonderful things. And I love to 'ship, it is fun and it makes my heart go melty and fills me with glee. It's that, what is an absolute truth to me is that love is not enough. Not on it's own. It doesn't exist in a vacuum, and to ignore or dismiss everything else that goes into living for just one thing just strikes me as nothing more than a set up for absolute disaster. And it's not just choosing a romantic partner that I mean. Something like, say, a high school basketball player who has no backup plan for the rest of their life other than 'Get into the NBA' leaves me with the same horrified 'oh...honey, no' feeling, regardless of how talented or dedicated or motivated they are. Because shit happens. And maybe it isn't sexy to be practical when it comes to dreams, but I've just seen too many people, including myself, get crushed like a bug and left with nothing when they weren't. Having one thing you are dedicated to above all else, be it a person that you love or a specific goal or dream isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's having nothing else to fall back on, and no recognition that you should. Not taking into account the real obstacles and evaluating the actual risks and coming to terms with how you might deal with that and just trusting that if you want it enough everything will work out in the end...that's a good way to get everyone around you, including, maybe especially yourself, hurt. It makes me twitchy in real life, and it makes me twitchy in fictional stories.
And maybe that's not a good thing, that I can't let go of that for fiction. I mean, I can believe in all manner of ridiculous things in the name of my stories, my real life belief in pacifism certainly doesn't stop my utterly gleeful love of things blowing up and people getting punched in the face in a fictional context. I don't know. But there it is. I actually do enjoy a love story, I am a sucker for 'shippy glee, I'm also going to always going to see either thing as an uncomfortable tragedy if I feel like either partner sees it as the end all, be all, of their existence. Part of the reason I 'ship is because I want my beloved characters to be happy. An impending feeling of looming disaster just doesn't bring the glee. It might be a good story, and one that I enjoy for all sorts of reasons, but it won't be a love story for me so much as a cautionary tale.
Or it is possible that I have no heart and a shriveled soul. I'm not ruling that out, for real. Sometimes I feel like the scowling killjoy in the corner when I see people sighing happily while I'm doing the equivalent of 'oh really? and will love pay the rent or buy your food and what exactly are you going to do when one of you dies horribly in a car crash, huh?'
And maybe that's not a good thing, that I can't let go of that for fiction. I mean, I can believe in all manner of ridiculous things in the name of my stories, my real life belief in pacifism certainly doesn't stop my utterly gleeful love of things blowing up and people getting punched in the face in a fictional context. I don't know. But there it is. I actually do enjoy a love story, I am a sucker for 'shippy glee, I'm also going to always going to see either thing as an uncomfortable tragedy if I feel like either partner sees it as the end all, be all, of their existence. Part of the reason I 'ship is because I want my beloved characters to be happy. An impending feeling of looming disaster just doesn't bring the glee. It might be a good story, and one that I enjoy for all sorts of reasons, but it won't be a love story for me so much as a cautionary tale.
Or it is possible that I have no heart and a shriveled soul. I'm not ruling that out, for real. Sometimes I feel like the scowling killjoy in the corner when I see people sighing happily while I'm doing the equivalent of 'oh really? and will love pay the rent or buy your food and what exactly are you going to do when one of you dies horribly in a car crash, huh?'