(no subject)

OMG that is so much better. I shaved my head today. The mohawk idea wasn't going to work on account of the texture of my hair and I have been dithering about what to do. See, I never liked my hair. Ever. I cannot think of a time in my life when it was not a great source of angst and insecurity.

Well, one time. When I shaved it off entirely. And I will never have the words to thank Zen for being the one to show me that I could. Like, I'd had a buzzcut before, but it never occurred to me that you could simply just choose not to have hair at all. If you are a woman that is. People look at you funny, yeah...but I don't care because it is a deliberate choice I made. I don't wonder why or if I did it wrong or get super insecure about it. They are looking funny because I have no hair, and I meant to do that, so cool. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but it was one of the most freeing things I've ever done.

Choice, though. That feeling came from the choice to opt out. I didn't hate being bald when the medicine made it so because I hated being bald. I hated it because I didn't have a choice. People weren't looking at me funny because I'd said fuck 'em and grabbed a razor. They were looking at me funny because I was sick. That sucked.

And much as I have hated my hair again as it has grown back in, I've avoided shaving it off again because it was growing back in because I'd made a choice not to. Except I hate my hair. And I think I finally reached the point this morning where I proved to myself that it could grow back enough. And off it came. And damn it feels good.

Also, I missed rubbing my own head. It is addictive. I'm used to telling people they can figure out who I am at Vividcon by looking for the bald head (the one without tattoos when Zen is also bald). I was wondering how I was going to adapt that this year, but guess I don't have to. Look for the shaved head and the giant doggie slippers. AS IT SHOULD BE.

(no subject)

Vidding is a stupid hobby. I hate clipping, but just scrubbing does not work so well when your main vid focus has concentrated bursts of screen time so you need to be able to get right to them in an organized fashion in order to accurately assess footage. Mostly I just want the vague ideas and clips I know I want for certain to magically come together into a coherent whole without me having to make them.

I tried yelling KNEEL BEFORE ZOD at the mostly empty timeline, but ya know? I think vidding might be more evil, 'cause even Zod was like...'Don't look at me, I just behead them, it is your job to figure out how to work that into the structure of your vid. Blood splatter is a good look for me though, don't you think?'

It can't be too late to take up knitting. A nice black sweater with the Z brand thingie on it instead? I could even use sparkly yarn.