fan_eunice | (no subject)

OMG that is so much better. I shaved my head today. The mohawk idea wasn't going to work on account of the texture of my hair and I have been dithering about what to do. See, I never liked my hair. Ever. I cannot think of a time in my life when it was not a great source of angst and insecurity.

Well, one time. When I shaved it off entirely. And I will never have the words to thank Zen for being the one to show me that I could. Like, I'd had a buzzcut before, but it never occurred to me that you could simply just choose not to have hair at all. If you are a woman that is. People look at you funny, yeah...but I don't care because it is a deliberate choice I made. I don't wonder why or if I did it wrong or get super insecure about it. They are looking funny because I have no hair, and I meant to do that, so cool. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but it was one of the most freeing things I've ever done.

Choice, though. That feeling came from the choice to opt out. I didn't hate being bald when the medicine made it so because I hated being bald. I hated it because I didn't have a choice. People weren't looking at me funny because I'd said fuck 'em and grabbed a razor. They were looking at me funny because I was sick. That sucked.

And much as I have hated my hair again as it has grown back in, I've avoided shaving it off again because it was growing back in because I'd made a choice not to. Except I hate my hair. And I think I finally reached the point this morning where I proved to myself that it could grow back enough. And off it came. And damn it feels good.

Also, I missed rubbing my own head. It is addictive. I'm used to telling people they can figure out who I am at Vividcon by looking for the bald head (the one without tattoos when Zen is also bald). I was wondering how I was going to adapt that this year, but guess I don't have to. Look for the shaved head and the giant doggie slippers. AS IT SHOULD BE.