(no subject)

[fan_eunice]

I'm about to get rather emo and freakish about my upcoming birthday, so fair warning not to click on the cut unless you want to hear a bunch of whining



I hate this time of year. Hate it. I wish I could stop being bitter about the fact that my birthday is no longer just 'day of my birth' and shares space with 'anniversary of cancer diagnosis' That this whole stretch of time is increasing anxiety and horrible fucking memories. But it is, and it puts me in an incredibly bad mood. I think I will feel differently if I manage hit the magic five years and it becomes 'day of my birth' shared with 'fuck you, I survived'. Right now it is not that at all. And this year...the thing with triple negative is that the aggressive recurrence rates which make it such a dangerous form of breast cancer start to spike exponentially in the second year and peak in the third. This birthday means I am now entering the hot zone of my high risk status. Happy birthday to me.

Add that the move means I cannot spend my birthday on Zen's couch eating yummy food and watching distracting things...and I'm just. Not looking forward to this. At all. I dunno, I'm just whining and I have no idea what to do with this. And, like, if I was a better person I'd be pondering the gift of life with wonder and smelling the roses and being grateful for another year or something, instead of huddled in a corner being angry and terrified.

Comments

[celli]

Enh, roses.

*hugs hard*

[fan_eunice]

Roses stink!

*cuddles*

[laurashapiro]

You don't need to be a better person. Great people get scared and angry. There's not a thing wrong with having these emotions.

::hugs::

[fan_eunice]

*hugs*

[klia]

IMO, you'd have to be super-human to NOT be angry and terrified. Living with the fucking sword of Damocles hanging over your head SUCKS, is NOT fair, and is a very heavy psychological weight to bear. I give you SO much credit for coming here and venting, because it means you're not internalizing everything and likely making yourself feel even worse.

*hugs you hard*

[fan_eunice]

*HUGS*

It's...I dunno, like, on one level I know that I am lucky to have the time that I do, and the possibility that there will be life after cancer. But, yeah...the uncertainty and dread just, sometimes they eat at me, and this time of year is always the worst.

[phoenix64]

OK, I'm going to tell you a secret of sorts: I subscribe to a daily schmaltzy email called "Notes From the Universe", and the truth is every once in a while they come up with something that doesn't completely suck. Last week they had one that said that courage wasn't about overcoming fear, it was about not settling for less. I don't want to disrespect the people that can manage to be grateful for what they still have but if you ask me your anger and fear are because you are not settling for being grateful for the crumbs life has left you right now. You deserve better. That's realistic and reasonable and HONEST if you ask me.

In the meantime, can we distract you with pretties of some kind?

[fan_eunice]

*hugs you very hard*

Can you deliver Hugh Dillon to my door? I would cease complaining about my birthday immediately :D :D

[phoenix64]

I can't deliver Hugh, but I can provide a photo of Hugh and Enrico Colantoni being dorks:


and one of Hugh just being his awesome BAMF self:

[fan_eunice]

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I think if I loved him any more I might EXPLODE

[heresluck]

I am super-pissed that I can't teleport you here for your birthday. We would watch ALL THE TV and eat ALL THE CAKE and generally be ridiculous. It would be awesome, in a totally low-key nerdy way.

But I can send HUGS. And cookies! What kind of cookies would you like?

[fan_eunice]

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES. And HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS. And COOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES. I like all cookies, because they are cookies, and I love YOU.

*builds teleport*

[minim_calibre]

Smelling the roses and farting Disney platitudes does NOT make anyone a better person. Fuck that.

Also, wish I could teleport you wherever you want to be.

[fan_eunice]

ILU. *smooshes*

[fannishnonsense]

*hugs*

The whole thing sucks and I don't blame you one little bit for feeling the way you do.

[elynross]

I honestly don't believe how you react has anything to do with how good a person you are. It's completely reasonable to be angry and terrified! And doesn't make you at all a bad person, or a less better person. {{{massive hugs for you + a rub on the head}}}

[the_shoshanna]

Being angry and terrified has jack-all to do with not being a "better person": it means you're a person who lived through something horrible. Hugs.

[franzeska]

Dude, that sucks, and don't let anyone tell you different!

I'd totally be punching through walls and howling like a wolf and stuff. (What? What? The tears in rain speech is totally awesome. Totally. What do you mean Blade Runner isn't a valid guide to RL emotional health?)