(no subject)

[fan_eunice]

I haven't really posted in the last 9 months because I haven't been sure of what to say, really. I'm still not. I keep starting and stopping this post because. IDK. My best friend died. But she also lived. Every last minute. Guys, right after she told the doctors to cut it out with the doodads and medicines because she was done, she sent me down to the gift shop to get her chocolate. The last thing she drank was a Pepsi with more gusto and appreciation than I've seen foodies with a 5 star meal.

And it was also hard. Like being born, dying is hard work, I didn't realize how much. She wasn't in pain or distress in the way you might think, she was also heavily on the good drugs and not particularly conscious or coherent for most of the afternoon (her choice), but the body struggles to live even after you've told it that it's okay not to. Her body caught up with her choice about a half hour before she went and in the end it was so chill and so Zen, I can't even quantify it.

I thought I was okay, IDK, I think maybe I am. I learned more about embracing life and not fearing death and being grateful for every moment this year than I could have thought possible thanks to Zen being who she is. But when the arrangements were finalized for them to come take her body last night I realized I couldn't go with her. How is that possible? That is my job. To make sure she never, ever has to be alone in a scary new medical place, that someone who knows her and what she wants and where she keeps all the info they might need can speak for her when she can't, and remember things so she doesn't have to. And last night I had to let her go without me. I'm not sure I know how to do that yet.

So I don't really know what to say. Soon I will pick myself up and live like she wanted me to. Soon. Not today. Today me and Waffles are just gonna hang out under the blanket here wishing we could be doing our jobs.

Comments

[minim_calibre]

You're an amazing person, and I'm so glad you were with her and that she got to go out how she wanted.

Take care of yourself, you. I'm thinking of you, of her family, of her friends today.

[settiai]

*gives you all the hugs*

[raine]

((hugs)) My condolences.

[cereta]

{{hugs}} I'm so glad Zen had you there to be with her at all those appointments and tests. I sometimes think the phrase "rest in peace" should apply to caregivers as much as to the dead.

(BYW, the small fanperson did specifically as me to tell zen's friends that she is praying for them.)

[saraht]

She was so, so lucky to have a good friend to see her through it all.

[klia]

It sucks being left behind, realizing there's nothing more you can do. The silence can be amazingly fucking loud, and the stillness jarring.

I *know* your love and care and advocacy gave her the best 8 months she could possibly have had under the shittiest circumstances imaginable -- and she knew that, too. You're one of the best people I know, and I'm so very sorry. {{{hugs}}}

[sorryforlaughing]

You've done truly noble work, and mourning comes before going onward, and since you can't follow her now you have to trust she knows the way. Rest in peace, Zen.

[grammarwoman]

All the *HUGS*.

[laurashapiro]

I love you, honey.

[serrico]

{{{HUGS}}}

Thinking of you, and all of Zen's loved ones, today.

[jetpack_monkey]

*hugs* You've been amazing through this. I keep thinking about how lucky Zen was to have you as a friend and to have you *there*. You're kind of my personal hero right now.

What a gift you gave her, a constant reminder of how much she was (and is still) loved.

*hugs more* If you need anything, let me know.

[dorinda]

I'm so glad you were there with her, all along the way, doing that job that I can only hope someone will be here to do with and for me when I need it. And I'm so glad to see you share your thoughts on it with us. Be comfy and warm under that blanket, and hug that Waffles, and know I'm thinking of you so so much. *squeezes you*

[fannishnonsense]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like she was an amazing person. *hugs*

[shrift]

I'm grateful that you were there for her. I'm a better person for having known her, AND you.

[nestra]

I think it is your job to take care of yourself now. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

[the_shoshanna]

She was amazing, and so are you. I send so much sympathy and hugging to you and Waffles.

[cesperanza]

You know, we love us our heroes in fandom. But you? You are a hero. I'm awed and proud and moved by you.

[heresluck]

I'm so glad, and so grateful, that you've been there loving Zen and taking care of her through everything. I'm not surprised that it's hard to know where to go from here. Hanging out under the blanket seems like a pretty good plan for now.

I send love and hugs -- and a reminder that I've got a guest room and a door that's always open to you.

[copracat]

I am so, so sorry.

[gwyn]

What an incomparably lovely tribute to her, and how incomparably lovely you are to have been such a friend to her--and she knew that. You are the best of us, both of you.

If you are able to come to VVC, I am going to hug the stuffing out you, just fair warning. But right now I send {{{hugs}}} for you and {{{cuddles}}} to Waffles.

[celli]

I love you more than I have words for and if I can help in the smallest way I will.

[littleheaven]

Aw, hun, I am so sorry. I don't know how I missed this post initially. I remember the day Gareth died, and when it was time to leave his room at Hospice so the mortician could come for him, I realised I had to take his backpack with me, and it felt so wrong to take that away from him. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he would never need any of those things again - his most precious items like his iPod and his wallet. So I totally get that feeling of something being so instinctively wrong. Hang in there. If you need to talk, I'm here.