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Sometimes I think I'm dissapearing. Like I'll wake up one day and I won't exist at all. Lost my job...awhile back but never posted about it because, well, it's humiliating. And I can't seem to interact properly with other people anymore. Been forcing myself out of the house where people are more than I usually would, in part to try and stave this off. It's not really helping. I don't remember how to hold a proper conversation. Not even online. Not even about fannish stuff. Mostly I just sit here. Pretty much terrified to try anything, to say anything. It's no fun being around me when I'm like this for many reasons, and I have no idea where the line is between not forcing it on people and making up excuses to disconnect because it's just easier. I know how frustrating it is to be around someone like me, where you can talk and talk and talk until you are blue in the face about what you do like about them, or what they do well, or suggest how they might work through a problem or insecurity and all you get back is a brick wall of "I suck". It's annoying and it's selfish and it's uncomfortable and it sucks all the energy out of a room.
I remember the last time I felt like I was dissapearing. Not just particularly bad dips into depression, or problems getting past panic attacks (which, world of fun all on it's own)...but a slow slide of disconnect over months and months where I had less and less to contribute, even to just an interesting conversation, on top of that. I ended up very rarely leaving the house for seven years. I did dissapear. I have no idea if I can keep myself from slipping away again.
I remember the last time I felt like I was dissapearing. Not just particularly bad dips into depression, or problems getting past panic attacks (which, world of fun all on it's own)...but a slow slide of disconnect over months and months where I had less and less to contribute, even to just an interesting conversation, on top of that. I ended up very rarely leaving the house for seven years. I did dissapear. I have no idea if I can keep myself from slipping away again.