OMG I am such a special fucking snowflake. The more I try to find information specific to my presentation, the more frustrating it gets to try and figure out what in the hell should be trying to anticipate because almost nobody does this. General information about breast cancer and lymph node involvement is everywhere. Presenting with axillary lymph node involvement and no finding of a primary tumor on mammogram, ultrasound, or clinical examination? Happens so rarely that finding much information that isn't obscure journal abstracts is a nightmare. At best you get a one sentence 'this happens rarely' on the main sites, like 'but of course not to you who are reading this because you are normal'. The thing I want to research most...how often does the presentation result in a stage IV diagnosis after further testing? I can't find jack shit. If they did find a tumor in the MRI I will be bumped to slightly more normal, but still a snowflake.
This is what I am reduced to. Hoping they found a tumor on the MRI, but no distant metastases on the PET scan. I still find it impossible to convince myself the latter is true. What I really want is to be in 'hope for the best' mode. Instead I remain in a headspace where if I get a stage III diagnosis (prognosis for shit, but a chance for cure), I'd actually be sort of thrilled. Every single day that goes by I get more pessimistic and nuts. My body hurts, I have a cough, I get dizzy, I'm tired all the time. None of this is severe enough that it would concern me normally, all of it could be explained by other things. But, y'know, all symptoms of metastatic disease as well. And, y'know, still haven't ruled out metastatic ovarian cancer either, which I'm still placing at the bottom rung of the ladder, on account of in a race between stage IV breast cancer and stage IV ovarian cancer, I at least get a longer expected lifespan with the first.
I know I should just stop thinking about it, there's nothing I can do right now, blah, blah, quit looking things up on the internet, but I can't stop myself, primarily because I can't find much that resembles my current situation. Everything is just a big guess. I'm going insane here. INSANE. Tommorow could not possibly come fast enough.
ETA: Here, have a song. I've been listening to this on repeat most of this morning. Oh My God!, by the Headstones.
This is what I am reduced to. Hoping they found a tumor on the MRI, but no distant metastases on the PET scan. I still find it impossible to convince myself the latter is true. What I really want is to be in 'hope for the best' mode. Instead I remain in a headspace where if I get a stage III diagnosis (prognosis for shit, but a chance for cure), I'd actually be sort of thrilled. Every single day that goes by I get more pessimistic and nuts. My body hurts, I have a cough, I get dizzy, I'm tired all the time. None of this is severe enough that it would concern me normally, all of it could be explained by other things. But, y'know, all symptoms of metastatic disease as well. And, y'know, still haven't ruled out metastatic ovarian cancer either, which I'm still placing at the bottom rung of the ladder, on account of in a race between stage IV breast cancer and stage IV ovarian cancer, I at least get a longer expected lifespan with the first.
I know I should just stop thinking about it, there's nothing I can do right now, blah, blah, quit looking things up on the internet, but I can't stop myself, primarily because I can't find much that resembles my current situation. Everything is just a big guess. I'm going insane here. INSANE. Tommorow could not possibly come fast enough.
ETA: Here, have a song. I've been listening to this on repeat most of this morning. Oh My God!, by the Headstones.