(no subject)

OMG I am such a special fucking snowflake. The more I try to find information specific to my presentation, the more frustrating it gets to try and figure out what in the hell should be trying to anticipate because almost nobody does this. General information about breast cancer and lymph node involvement is everywhere. Presenting with axillary lymph node involvement and no finding of a primary tumor on mammogram, ultrasound, or clinical examination? Happens so rarely that finding much information that isn't obscure journal abstracts is a nightmare. At best you get a one sentence 'this happens rarely' on the main sites, like 'but of course not to you who are reading this because you are normal'. The thing I want to research most...how often does the presentation result in a stage IV diagnosis after further testing? I can't find jack shit. If they did find a tumor in the MRI I will be bumped to slightly more normal, but still a snowflake.

This is what I am reduced to. Hoping they found a tumor on the MRI, but no distant metastases on the PET scan. I still find it impossible to convince myself the latter is true. What I really want is to be in 'hope for the best' mode. Instead I remain in a headspace where if I get a stage III diagnosis (prognosis for shit, but a chance for cure), I'd actually be sort of thrilled. Every single day that goes by I get more pessimistic and nuts. My body hurts, I have a cough, I get dizzy, I'm tired all the time. None of this is severe enough that it would concern me normally, all of it could be explained by other things. But, y'know, all symptoms of metastatic disease as well. And, y'know, still haven't ruled out metastatic ovarian cancer either, which I'm still placing at the bottom rung of the ladder, on account of in a race between stage IV breast cancer and stage IV ovarian cancer, I at least get a longer expected lifespan with the first.

I know I should just stop thinking about it, there's nothing I can do right now, blah, blah, quit looking things up on the internet, but I can't stop myself, primarily because I can't find much that resembles my current situation. Everything is just a big guess. I'm going insane here. INSANE. Tommorow could not possibly come fast enough.

ETA: Here, have a song. I've been listening to this on repeat most of this morning. Oh My God!, by the Headstones.

(no subject)

This post brought to you by increasing panic brought on by the last 24 hours of waiting for more definitive news. I'm fucked. I am so seriously fucked. Despite having trouble finding good information about my specific presentation, the one thing I keep reading over and over and over and over...on pretty much every site that has any information about breast cancer at all is that the primary indication of poor prognosis regardless of staging is lymph node involvement. Which I have. Even if I beat it this time, there is a strong likelyhood that I will spend the rest of my life (however long that may be) fighting this bitch. There will never be a day that I don't have to worry if this is the day it comes back for good. Ever. I swear I feel like punching someone hard right now. Anyone will do. I backed out of brunch this morning because I know I'd spend that time either obsessively cataloguing every twinge while I walk and sit as evidence I'm dying, or being so incredibly pissed off at everyone there for not being sick (and how fucked up is that, that I'm starting to hate people because they are well?) that I'd say horrible mean things to anyone who tried to talk to me.

Today, I am not coping well. At all. Please expect a goofy apology post covered in smilies tomorrow if the diagnosis is better than I fear. If not, I may show up on your doorstep and punch you in the face. Just because.

(no subject)

Still pissed off. Reckon I'll direct my rage fannishly for the moment, since I totally get a free cancer pass. Sources of rage to exploit.

1. Callum Keith Rennie. Sure, he seems like a lovely dude and I've enjoyed many of his performances. But, if you are me, and almost entirely uninterested in him beyond occasionally enjoying his work, media fandom's obsession with the guy is annoying as fuck. And he's in everything that was ever made, so it's not like there's any place to escape it. Since many of my nearest and dearest friends are afflicted with this bizzare ailment, and I don't want to get rid of them, I feel the best solution is to set CKR on fire. Or push him off a cliff. I'm not picky. I'll even go for humane euthanasia if you don't try and stop me. Then we can all get on with the business of appreciating Far Superior Canadians.

2. Twitter. Again an absolutely baffling phenomenon engaged in by people who I adore beyond reason leaving me with the conviction that the proper solution here is to blow up the twitter servers with enough C4 that they never return. You'll get over it.

3. The vast majority of Torchwood fic SUCKS. It's BAD. And not even funny bad like that one with the space winnebago. Boring bad. That is, when it's not bashing Gwen for daring to have a vagina. I have wasted hours, no days, no months of my life on the search for good Torchwood fic, hours I can't get back. I resent that if I end up kicking it I will not get those hours back for more entertaining pursuits like clipping my toenails.

4. Shipwars and the like. What are you all? TWO? Knock it the fuck off. Your favorite pairing, character, actor are not special. Sorry. No, not even if you think they have canon basis. Not even if they do have canon basis. They are special to you, and that's awesome and all, but no one else is under any obligation to feel the same. Obsessively hating on characters, pairings, and actors and/or being mean, dismissive, or disrespectful to the people that love them is the equally shit side of the same coin. I realize this makes my 1. point up there hypocritical, but fuck you I have cancer. I'll set CKR on fire if I want to.

5. Graphic banners for vids should be outlawed. Mostly because, while several talented vidders use them, they are often the very pretty FALSE ADVERTISING for the absolute crap vid to follow. If you can spend that much time in Photoshop learning to blend, you can learn to cut on a damn beat. Also, I find them pointless even on very good vids, since the visual information I'm looking for should be in the vid. A nice short summary will do nicely, thank you.

6. Speaking of crap vids and crap fic, look, if you don't care to learn how to do these things properly, and you are having fun, more power to you. Go forth and fling form and standards to the wind and produce as much unwatchable or unreadable crap as your 4 a.m. sugar high allows. Have a good giggle with your friends. But for the love of Hugh, don't defend it by claiming it's just your style, and whine about how those awful meanies who actually, you know, want to learn a craft, are horrible people for pointing out that objective standards do exist. You're lazy, this kind of work bores you. Embrace it as a lifestyle choice. We'll all be happier for it.

I'm sure I have more things that piss me off, but I'm supposed to eat my nutritionally approved dinner right now. Feel free to rant away about anything that pisses you off in comments.