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I started a long post but it just went super negative so I deleted it instead of posting. I am completely overwhelmed right now. The long and short of it is that the last year has brought into sharp relief just how unhappy I have been for a very long time, and how much of it is to do with how dependent I am, and now that I am back in my old situation it is becoming intolerable. Life, as I have learned, is far too short to spend it miserable.
I need a job. I need a job I can do from home because I still have the mental illness and physical disabilities that got me in this predicament in the first place. I need a job that will hire a 43 year old with no real work experience and an unerring habit of freezing like a deer in the headlights at the thought of filling out a job application or resume or anything remotely resembling 'selling' oneself. And it needs to pay enough to live on. Not well or anything. I have no objection to living poor if it's on my own dime. I just need to get out of here. I need to get out of here soon, and on my own steam, before it crushes me back into submission.
I am so fucked. Yes, this is the less negative post. I said to my therapist last year before all this started that I felt like I was fading away and disappearing entirely. As horrifying as the last 10 months have been, I have also been here. Present in the world. And now every day I can feel myself slipping away. It's terrifying. And worse, it's an insult to my best friend who grabbed on to every last second of life to the very end.
I need a job. I need a job I can do from home because I still have the mental illness and physical disabilities that got me in this predicament in the first place. I need a job that will hire a 43 year old with no real work experience and an unerring habit of freezing like a deer in the headlights at the thought of filling out a job application or resume or anything remotely resembling 'selling' oneself. And it needs to pay enough to live on. Not well or anything. I have no objection to living poor if it's on my own dime. I just need to get out of here. I need to get out of here soon, and on my own steam, before it crushes me back into submission.
I am so fucked. Yes, this is the less negative post. I said to my therapist last year before all this started that I felt like I was fading away and disappearing entirely. As horrifying as the last 10 months have been, I have also been here. Present in the world. And now every day I can feel myself slipping away. It's terrifying. And worse, it's an insult to my best friend who grabbed on to every last second of life to the very end.
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I can offer editorial support on your resume/cover letter/job applications if it would be helpful. But there are a lot of contract gigs where the typical job application process isn't relevant -- maybe that's something to look into?
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My worry with contract gigs is that from what I can tell it requires pretty much daily hustle and chasing down leads in order to make any sort of living at it. The exact part that spikes my anxiety the hardest. And even then my complete blank of a work history leaves me with the absolute lowest pay scale, which, jfc I was doing data entry over on mturk the other day and worked for something like 6 hours with nothing but a potty break and came away with...not even 3 dollars.
IDK. I literally have nothing to put on a resume or job application. A small skill set which doesn't suck but isn't particularly impressive is about it.
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Let me know if links would be helpful. I don't want to overwhelm you.
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And like I said before -- if you need to get away for a week or two, just to be out of a house that's making you feel dependent, feel free to come take over my guest room for a while so you can research / contemplate your options in less toxic space. No pressure; just know that you're always welcome. ♥
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We don't have full time work available, unfortunately, but we do need admin help on a piecework basis, for which we pay very well (compared to freelance sites) and are happy to work around your schedule. My sister in law was doing this for us until my nephew became a toddler, and thus too high-maintenance for her to be able to concentrate and work from home. It averages only like 4-12 hours a month, honestly, but it still might be worthwhile, and get you some experience to put on your resume?
The kind of stuff we need is like, populating Excel spreadsheets, building surveys (where you type in the questions, answers, etc. and then add the questions to a survey), and that sort of thing. Obviously for the former you'd need Excel, but for the latter you just need an internet connection and a web browser. It's detail-oriented but not difficult. Let me know if that sounds like it might be your thing? It's okay if not!
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It is just that I post this and then suddenly I'm getting phone calls back from people and you are being so incredibly kind and things don't look quite as bleak as they did when I started out this morning. <3
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I didn't know her very well at all, but I'm sure she would not want you thinking that way. Be patient with yourself. You're grieving.
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I don't know if I have any concrete suggestions, but I have faith in you!
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